It turns out Santa won't be visiting good girls and boys this year. He's boycotted Christmas on the grounds global warming is destroying his home.“You've ALL been very bad boys and girls this year. If you won't respect my crib, then fuck you!” Global corporate superpowers have sent out economic hit men, jackals, and even Burmese death squads resurrected from the 1970's cleansings in Burma, but to no avail. “I don't even exist you fucking morons, so don't even try that shit again, or I'll convince every little boy and girl in every home across the globe to fucking cap you in the back of the head while you sleep. And I know when you're sleeping.” Santa, giving a bowlful of jelly laugh, continued, “Who the fuck are they going to listen to anyway? Some whiny bitches who don't know how to love children, are always telling them what to do, yelling at them, and making them brush their teeth, or a nice guy they give cookies and milk to? Yeah, that's right, just pimp away fuckers, just pimp away—I will fucking destroy you!”
Mrs. Claus could not be reached for comment about this issue, but whispered under her breath while showing reporters out that Satan will be taking over the job this year, providing gifts for bad little boys and girls. When asked why Satan specifically, she responded, “Because you just have to rearrange Santa's name, that's why. Now get the fuck out before I sick the dogs on you.”
1 comment:
Why did Santa say "I don't even exist"? I know Santa exists! I wrote Santa a letter last year, and mailed it to him, and got the purple bike with the banana seat I asked for. That proves he exists! I love you, Santa, and even if you don't bring me a toy this year, I'll still keep loving you, and try even harder to be a good little boy.
Post a Comment