Rhetoric On The Rise

A new language has been issued by the Department of Internal Affairs in order to deal with miscreants, and ne'er-do-wells in relationship to fundamentally dead issues like water, power, and housing. "Rhetoric," as it has been termed, is essentially the use of plain English to describe inane occurances, whose etymology can be traced back to the first caveman exclaiming, "Say WHAT?!" This new and improved jargon has replaced outright lying and disinformation, as once used by obsolete puppet regimes, tyrannies, and democracies.
When asked about this, several state representatives chimed in, claming rhetoric was for people who couldn't find a better way to get into someone's pants, and "the best way to do that is to produce a crisp Ben Franklin from your wallet."

Global Standards Collaboration Collapses

The GSC, or Global Standards Collaboration has collapsed under the weight of their members' inability to agree on what strip club to attend in Bangkok, Thailand.
"Every single fucking American wanted to go to a Thai ladyboy club in order to discuss globalized standards for the new world order. We're sick of it," says one disgruntled Japanese man of indeterminte vocation. "They think Asia is a place for what they call 'exotic' forms of sexual entertainment. It's not exotic, morons, you're just fucked-up puritans, and don't expect when you dump a load in some lady boy you're not as risk for HIV, because it's rampant because of idiots like you believing Jesus will save you from yourselves."
Americans were present, but most were either too drunk or too violent to interview. One American businessman stumbled up to the microphone, and chortled, "It's OK, they think we're taking them home to marry them."

TTC Under Fire For Banning Cell Phones

The TTC, or Telecommunication Technology Committee, established in 1985, has finally come to the conclusion cell phones are a waste of time. "We decided, after years of research no one, and we mean, no one, is important enough they need to use a phone away from home." Over the next few weeks cell phone signals will be disrupted, and in one month's time, all cell phones will cease to function.
"We decided to roll back the clock, and let people know those things are merely vanity items, like a Guido's gold necklace, or a Mercedes Benz emblem on an old Pinto. They never really worked well, and terrorists in the form of global corporations are charging people for something that literally, costs essentially nothing." Phuket Cellular will be first affected.

"Plane Stupid" On The Warpath

People against the introduction of planes to modern living are outraged. They have reacted by throwing pies, containers of their own blood, mixed with urine, vomit, and excrement at pilots, stewards and stewardesses, and mothers with babies boarding planes.

"We're not sure why they've chosen this time to do it. I mean, if they wanted to do it, they might have done something around the millennium, or even at some justifiable date like President's Day, or MLK Day, but this? It's just 'Plane Stupid.' The worst thing is they've attacked plane crash sites, and have thrown pies at dead bodies."

"If you think life can be this easy, you are sorely mistaken," claims one of the befuddled protesters. The pies were taken directly from the hands of starving third-world children.

Omar al-Bashir Goes Napster-Assed Ravy

The International Criminal Court issues an arrest warrant for President of Sudan Omar al-Bashir (pictured) on charges of listening to rave music during an AU Summit meeting, and crimes against humanity. At least 20 people were killed during a riot in Ciudad Juárez, Chihuahua, Mexico, when, in a drunken rage, he created a Sudanese form of Napster, claiming he had indeed invented it. His detractors, mostly RIAA employees, attacked him with bats and the occasional fire extinguisher. He responded by having the jackals drawn and quartered by several of his many show-grade stallions. To this day he remains at large, sporting a light blue tracksuit and waving glow sticks at his teen peers.

Voyager Copes With Stowaways

Several splinter groups from various electronic cultures have commandeered the Voyager 1 and 2 satellite probes. The news shocked the nation as it was just recovering the Heaven's Gate cult catching a ride on the Hale-Bopp comet, the group unable or unwilling to wait until the more popularized Haley's comet came near earth's orbit.
NASA spokesman commented, "We're not too worried about these young folks. Most of the electronics cannot be fashioned to make music, other than taking a stick to the inside of one of the crafts." He continued. "We are further confident none of these splinter groups will cause harm to the aforementioned crafts as they're all very very high on mind-altering substances like Ecstacy, and LSD." One stowaway was known to remark, "Woo-Hoo!" The stowaways have been surviving on freeze-dried ice cream, and Tang. No newsgroup has been created yet for these unfortunate victims of drug-induced technological miscreantism.

Washington Found To Have Been A Woman

In recent years students at Columbine University have discovered through damming forensic evidence that George Washington was actually a woman.
"We now know why he had such liberal policies such as wanting slave freedom while at the same time keeping slaves himself. He was a tranny of the highest degree."
Other reports claim he would dress as a woman in order to perform duties for his field lieutenants, one after another. "We came to this conclusion as his old field jacket was riddled with copious amounts of ejaculate, and none of it his own."
Cigars vaginal secretions were found inside the coat pocket as well. Those vaginal secretions contained his DNA. "The only conclusion we can come to is the father of our country wanted not only to introduce a free state to the world, but also free love."
In addition to this, the students discovered he had removable wooden teeth; which, only women at that time had because their masters would not allow them embedded teeth, for obvious reasons.

Chickens Discover Themselves Delicious!

Chickens have discovered that they themselves are delicious! Since ninety-five percent of Americans are vegetarians now, chicken producers around the United States have been feeding their chickens chickens in order to reduce costs. "We can't keep feeding them grains, as those have skyrocketed. We have to feed them themselves; and, since they multiply like rabbits, there seems no other way." A spokesman for the chicken community has released this statement:

"Any chicken caught eating another chicken will be put into an Iron Coop, and their entrails fed to their chicken brothers as punishment." Chickens in attendance of this "capital punishment" decreee to their dietary habits winced, then continued to reluctantly feast on their compadres.

AMA recalls cigars

The American Medical Association, in tandem with the American Psychiatric Association, has recalled millions of cigars, not on the grounds they cause cancer, but on the more dangerous grounds they make men feel like they have smaller penises than they actually do.
In addition to this, the AMA has mandated all heterosexual men stop smoking cigars, as it can lead to a desire to perform male-to-male fellatio. The cigars will be shortened for heterosexual men to not less than six inches; and in most cases, the cigars will be shortened to less than three inches for homosexual men who continue to smoke them like the world was coming to an end.
When asked about this clear disparagement in the sizes, a spokesman for Philip Morris claimed, "What? you want faggots to think they have bigger cocks than straight men? We already have that problem with deaf men."

Olympic News Weekly

The Olympic Committee has finally decided to launch it's own magazine, the content of which will feature the newest Olympic winners, Olympic hopefuls, and past winners. One of their previous multiple-gold winners was there to comment.
"Yeah, it's like, you know. They do stuff, and talk about the stuff we're doing. I mean, like swimming, and other stuff; you know, where you run and everything? I dunno, I mean it sounds cool and all. I kinda looked at the cover and stuff, and thought, 'Hey, I can back this.' So yeah, cheers, thanks a lot." He exhaled.
Other Olympic winners and hopefuls were not there to comment, but several media companies have already started negotiations, on shows like "Where are the Olympians now?" and "Behind the Olympians."

Scientists Live In "Filth"

Thee first Large Hadron Collider (LHC) in the world beneath the Franco-Swiss border near Geneva, Switzerland, has been discovered to be a garbage scowl for scientists, one report states.

"They're been using the supercollider not for particle beams, but for pizza crusts, and empty boxes of wine," says one source. "Claims were being made that the serious fault of the project was due to two superconducting bending magnets, but we found rats and excrement in the accelerator that can only be described as disgusting. You won't find such filth in even the most rancid of Chinese restaurants in Los Angeles."
When asked about the charges of health safety the scientists responsible began dancing a jig to music that no one could hear.

Right-Wrong Radicals Form Star Chamber

Right-Wrong radicals, sick and tired of rich people taking from the poor, and poor people taking from the rich, have decided to forgo currency altogether.
"We can't seem to agree on what to do with the bodies once the transformation has happened, but we know what to do with the world's currencies. They have little value anymore," Says one moderate woman from Portland, OR. "The main issue we have is to get anyone in our group to do anything. there's a lot of talk, and no action." One colleague of hers grunted, and went back to his early-morning nap, after being brought a cup of coffee, which he did not pay for.

Trains Proving Ground for Lads

Trains have become a proving ground for serial rapists, says one Idaho reporter. "There seems to be no reason why drunk lads are carting anything with a pulse onto trains and feeding the fresh victims liquor and pills," says Bill Applegate. "I joined them once, and found that the next morning my mouth was frothing with some kind of chemical, and my ass was blown-out like a bullet exit wound."
He refused to comment on how many youngsters interviewed him. Several train carriers have begun marketing campaigns in order to bring more business to their lackadaisical and outdated lines. Several third world countries were contacted to provide cost-efficient service to these young men.

Nutters Gone Wild

Red squirrels in the United Kingdom have all but gone extinct due to the unholy practices of Brown and Grey squirrels. These deadly creatures of the night have been plotting against their ill-equipped brothers for some time now, says one economist. "We noticed a change in their behavior since they started traveling in packs, sporting upside-down crosses on their tails, and reading the works of Anton Levay."
Children and priests, most likely seen as harmless, have been given rifles and lager to take care of the problem. Unfortunately, the children have turned on their parents, stolen family cars, and gathered at toy stores around the country, shattering glass and breaking into the toy stores in order eradicate the more subtle, but more potentially dangerous Stuffed squirrel.

Television At An All-Time High

After years of mind-numbing boredom, there are shows out that people finally want to watch. Shows about people, people who love people, and people who love dogs, and cats.
News programs, which were hardest hit during the 90's "Yellow Journalism Epoch" where one couldn't tell the real from the false, are coming out of the woodwork, but with one difference. In the past they would be accustomed to sporting falsified news to garner attention for their constituents, the bigwigs in Washington, DC. Now it's a different story.
One reporter claims, "We don't even bother concealing that the news is fiction now, because people aren't interested in reality, but reality-as-such; or, in laymen's terms, fiction." Many news stations have reported on this story, but have changed the names titles, names and plots to suit the ends of market share spin doctors.

Economic Stimulus Package

Many people are wondering where all the money is going with a stimulus package that seems to rely mostly on single working mothers, and their clients. "Most of us are putting the money into high yield stocks and bonds," says one mother of four, from Bloomington, IN.
Another mother interjected, "We can't seem to find any use for our money here, so we're putting it into Caymen Islands accounts until we can properly move our funds to Switzerland. That is unless we end up spending it on abortions, and cocaine. One thing we know for sure is; we're in control of our money, and not the men who 'protect' us while we dance, or have 'dates.'" Many politicians were eager to comment, but none would go on record as to this recent swing of the economy.

Men Forced to "Make Do"

More and more men have joined the Merchant Marines in an attempt to forgo the needless process of getting to know their girlfriend's parents, and other siblings. "We don't really see the point," says one young man. "You have to dress up, not swear, drink, or smack them in front of others you're trying to make a good impression on. What a racket."
Another man interjected, "This way I don't have to admit my proclivities and can just go on as usual, blaming women for their inability to cure my sexual ambivalence. If those bitches can't make me the man my father tried to with a belt or forced oral, then I'm faggin' it up with the rest of these homos." NOW, the National Organization of Women was contacted about this curious change in social behavior, and simply responded, "Good!"

"French" Polishing on The Rise

French polishing has been on the rise since a serious lapse in judgment by ordinary married folk.
"We don't really see any problem with going out and getting our furniture polished, as opposed to getting it done at home," claims one source. "Personal Services was established in 1987, and we don't see any reason why it should stop now."
The now nearly-famous home services firm has expanded to do in and out services, as well as personal dog training. The most famous of all the services, the Papazogaloo, is of course, the most expensive of the services. One man exclaimed after such a service. "It was well worth it."

PETAphile

More and more people are siding with the needs of animals, one source cites.
"We discovered people are no longer eating the meat of cows and chickens, but are more comfortable with the more humane Southeast Asian practice of eating dogs and cats. We've found that eating one's own pets gives the consumer more power of choice, and the connection between the owner and animal creates a report, making it easier for owners to part with their pets before turning them into a delicious European fricassee."

Another source also agrees, but cautions those who own cows, chickens, sheep, or pigs as pets may find mealtime decisions more difficult to swallow.

"Assholes" On The Rise

Since the inauguration of Barack Obama, more and more people are turning into incessant assholes. One man explains. "I don't feel the constant pressure of being arrested for anything anymore. In the past I felt like I had to be accountable for my actions, but now, fuck'em, fuck'em all."
A study has shown this man is correct, that modern folk are embracing the asshole syndrome; ignoring people with flat tires, pushing old women out of the way at malls, spitting on children, and screwing their best friend's husband/wife. Due in part to unemployment, that people no long feel they have anything to lose, coupled with the discovery all their friends suck and their sex partners are actually really, really bad at it, people have embraced this new way of living, reinforced by judge/lawyer ad campaigns against legal or ethical behavior. Television programming has remained unaltered.

New Diet Fad

There's a new diet fad sweeping the nation. People are giving up fatty foods and oily meats, and are replacing them with plenty of exercise. A spokesman for Health and Human Resources claims more and more people are getting up off their fat asses and at least sticking it to each other.
"We thought at first it might just be because the upswing of alcoholic beverages sold, but we realize it's simply because people have stopped using condoms, and feel that sex can feel good again." HIV care providers are thrilled with the recent turn of events, and now feel safe they're not going to be downsized regardless of the home remedy that has been pigeonholed from one anonymous blog to another for the last ten years..

FBI "Dangerously" Bored

Inside sources claim the FBI is "dangerously" bored. "We're not exactly sure what that means yet," says one disgruntled federal whistleblower. "What we do know is that since the fall of every country we have coveted something from, and destroyed, there isn't a whole lot left to do but round up everyone who is either on drugs, or freely downloading whatever they want from the internet, whether it's free or not.
After the fall of all the drug cartels, the CIA shipped their opium business off to Afghanistan, their cocaine business off to the bloody fields of Columbia, and their prostitution rackets to Thailand. There aren't frankly any jobs here left. No one is able to work in our free-market capitalist system anymore, and nowadays everyone is becoming more socialist due to the popularity of Chairman Mao Tse Tung t-shirts, coffee mugs and other memorabilia. We're honestly afraid of what they'll do next. I mean, what do you do when there's no one left to intimidate?"
The man then shuffled off back into his tunnel-like existance, and has not been seen since.

Art Is A Hammer

It has been determined that art is indeed a hammer, say inside sources. "We discovered that years of covert operations, and clever disguises could not prevent the public from learning that art is a hammer," says one unnamed source. The ODESSA project, in conjunction with the KGB, the CIA, and the NSA strove for years to keep this information from the public, but to no avail.
One clever lad from Seattle, WA, by putting together a Nazi propaganda poster, and the word "art," broke the story last week. Businessmen from all over the world, suffering from "golden parachute" syndrome, have begun stockpiling their gold in Swiss accounts, and moving to Brazil in hopes of escaping culpability.

DNA is "Trippin'"

Scientists today have discovered that DNA has been tripping on LSD for years, going out to rave clubs disguised as mere electrons, and wedding crashing as leptons. No one knows why this building block of humanity has been acting this way, but some fear it might be the end for mankind once everyone starts hallucinating due to the building block being part of their essential make-up.
One scientist recalls the discovery of the horror. "We don't even know if any of our data is accurate anymore, because we ourselves may have been tripping during the whole scientific discovery process." When asked, DNA simply responded, "I can see the music, everywhere..."

Nothing on TV

This week there was simply nothing on TV. "We're tired of this," says one bored retired sexagenarian. "There are wars in other countries, coups taking place daily, people being abused, taken advantage of, third world countries falling under the iron grip of corporations--why can't we have a single fucking show that isn't a repeat, or rehash of some other ridiculous show? I might as well be on the internet, which is so 20th.
This is the 21st, you are here to service US, not the other way around."

Trademarking has Finally Been Trademarked

Trademarking has finally been registered as a trademark, but only after trademarking was registered as a trademark, but before copyright had the chance to trademark a copyright giving previous authority over the copyright for the aforementioned registered trademark, and any subsequent copyrights to any trademark or registration of copyright, or trademark.
Ordinary citizens were relieved when they found the products they'd purchased were safe from devilish foreign investors willing to sell something better-made at a much cheaper price.

MADD Drives Teens to Drink

A new study has shown that youngsters are more likely to drink and drive if their mother is involved in MADD, or Mothers Against Drunk Driving.
"The organization was created when enough bored housewives found their children stealing their vicodin and swilling them down with their husband's liquor before escaping in their older sibling's car and driving erratically to a lookout point to have unprotected sex with each other," says one officer of the court. "Charges have been laid out for these dangerous mothers, and we will find them and bring them to justice."
One dead teen remarked, "I didn't even drink when I was alive, but I kept being badgered so much about it I decided WTF, I'm doing it."
Seagram's has since launched a commemorative bottle of Whiskey denouncing these terrifying women, and supporting their children who only wanted to act out of total irresponsibility like other teens their age.

Tombstone Asbestos Recall

Thousands of tombstones purchased by an anonymous government to aid in appeasing potential levied lawsuits on private contractors of soldiers killed during the necessary occupation of Iraq have been recalled, cite sources.
"We found the tombstones to be full of asbestos, as they were manufactured in China," a surly mouthed supplies captain claims. "They don't have the stringent environmental laws we have here, and we can't have our fallen comrades treated in such an disrespectful manner."
The tombstones were immediately recalled, and the corpses they marked were safely disposed of in a nearby garbage dump.