:-(

A bitter wunderkind from Salt Lake City, UT, has finally trademarked the “:-)” symbol used so commonly as an emoticon in chat rooms for a “smiley face.” The angst-riddled young lad was tired of everything he looked at being privatized, and so registered said punctuation marks in an attempt to get his little chubby hands on a piece of the pie. Anyone who now uses said emoticon will be paying this boy a licensing fee.
He's created a universal web bot to systematically install a keylogger on any computer using the Internet: anyone using the three punctuation marks consecutively will have twenty-five cents deducted from their bank account, Paypal account, or credit card. Those who do not have any form of payment system on their computer will be disconnected from the internet. In addition, anyone using one keystroke in one software program, and one more in another, and a third in another consecutively, will also be charged. When asked how he achieved this, the boy responded, “Fuck you!” and urinated on the leg of a local reporter.

Brand Spankin' New Global Supercontinent

The United States and Russia have finally completed the signatures necessary to form one giant Supercontinent. Millions of people on welfare from the United States, and tens of millions of political prisoners from Russia have joined hands today, letting the rest of the first world walk right over them to reach one anothers' far-reaching country.
"We were tired of all the bullshit the UN was trying to lay on us about fair trade agreements etc," says the U.S, one part of the Supercontinent. Russia responded as well. "They won't let us into the EU because we refuse to shut down 'Allofmp3.com.' We can't do that--it's run by the Russian Mafia, and they'd kick the shit out of us."
The UN responded by saying, "There really is no other choice but to start poisoning their leaders. I mean, when the US and Russia join landmasses, it makes you think, 'What the Fuck?'" British blue collar workers were too drunk to be reached for comment.

MPAA vs. RIAA Cage Death Battle

In a horrific display of powerless abandon and fear-riddled arrogance, the MPAA today asserted it's rights over all media, despite claims by the RIAA that it was the one who “pwned” the media-slave controlled empire the House of Un-American Activities, now termed Homeland Security, had once lay claim to.
In a fit of rage the MPAA opened it's mouth and spat a yellowish acid all over the chest of the RIAA shouting “fuck you”, while the RIAA responded with an unusual pacifistic approach by using it's invisibility cloak and sending heat-targeting missiles to the aforementioned party.
In the end, however, both sides lost, as people forgot about them entirely, and went back to their daily lives as if neither had ever existed.

War Profitable

According to recent scientific research, war is actually profitable. “When we began studying this most curious of ideas, we were skeptical; but now, we found out after all the horror and cowardice, that war is profitable for those who don't live in that country and don't have to suffer the effects of it,” says one homeless mother of four, living in Little Rock, Arkansas. “My babies have come to the conclusion it's not necessary to sell drugs on the street anymore, or for mommy to hook--we just need enough capitol from a bank robbery to begin funding our own war. Now, baby, where should mommy invade?” Her oldest son looked at her and began crying.

Corporate Supersluts

Corporations, who are now “people” according to specialized laws designed to protect wealthy investors, have been found to be “sluttier” than their eco-friendly counterparts, organic farmers, and fair trade coffee companies. “We seem a bit confused as to why these companies have been going topless to corporate events, letting anyone with a beer fuck them in the ass, and dump loads in their mouth if that person with a dollar bill is willing to give it up,” says one anonymous person on the street. “I mean, I didn't have a buck at the time, but all my buddies did, and took turns with Halliburton's ass like it was a pre-teen hooker on the streets of Mumbai guzzling jizz for school supplies. I don't know what that means for investors, but I'll say one thing—I like it!”
Halliburton was not available for comment, but continued doped up on crystal meth to munch away on some fat guy's furry ass.

Boxing Day For Kids!

After several days of poor behavior from the world's children, they have all been boxed up and sent off to the Island of Lost Toys. Some that could not fit into one box have been put in several. Miles of decommissioned nuclear wasteland has been set aside for the deposit of said children in the barren underworld known as Siberia.
Several were heard to exclaim before being boxed up that they didn't mean for Satan to run amok, and banish all parents from the earth, they just really really really wanted that special toy to show mom and dad how smart/funny/nice they were. Cerebrus was quoted as barking humorously as the children were ferried into the underworld, not with their favorite toy, but a distant memory of happier days. Christmas next year promises to be the best Christmas ever!

Christmas, End Of Days

This was the last Christmas in the history of mankind. Parents, not heeding the warnings of both Santa and Satan, have continued to ignore the wishes of children, asking them to go to bed on time, and to brush their teeth. Satan, guided by Santa's careful prodding, has decided to reign hellfire down on mortal parents of human children, leaving the planet a smoldering wasteland. He shouted “Ho ho ho!” with a demonic jolly scowl, and women from all the races on the planet turned to decaying hookers, the kind like on America's Next Top Model. He then gave them strap-ons, which against their wills, were used to rip their husbands a band-spanking new hole, ass to mouth.
Their brains boiled in this hellfire and brimstone, only exacerbated by acidic semen gushing from their mouths last last week's trick at Slammer, a well-known LA gay sex club for trolls. Cowardly shrieks were met with whip and crop, as children of the world danced merrily with Christmas joy. Christmas trees set fire like kindling in the heat of the apocalypse, as grandpas and grandmas were forced to eat the excrement of their adult children, spilling vomit across flaming gifts and torching Christmas Stockings. Milk and cookies boiled and baked in the heat, rendered to ash as Satan continued his glorious reign over this most beloved of holidays. In a final shriek, he cast out the adults of this world with a single slash of his sickle to be bound to his ominous empire to burn for all eternity, merrily chortling, “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”
Santa smiled at the joy created by this wonderland, and scooped the white children of the world into his bright shiny sleigh, rocketing to Venus, where parents know how to treat their children. He winked slyly, and said, “Just wait until Easter! Merry Christmas everyone!”

Satan Befuddled on Christmas Eve, Mayhem Ensues

Continuing with the horrific news yesterday about Santa giving Christmas over to Satan, children have run amok, picking their noses in public, wetting themselves at inopportune moments, like when daddy is having an impromptu chat with his boss at the gun store, and, if under 3 years old, defecating in their own underpants like common animals in a zoo.
Parents were shocked to learn their children had no manners, and, ignoring Santa's advice began scolding and grounding them wantonly and without disregard for their own safety. “If our kids are going to treat us like shit, we're going to treat them like shit,” says one father of four, “And if they don't go to church on Christmas eve, the ONE day a year we go, then fuck'em—NO presents this year for the little ingrates.”
Little Sally had something to add to her father's clear misbehavior. “If you don't straighten up dad and buy us everything we want, Satan is going to reign such a hellfire down on you, you'll be tore up mouth to fuckhole, and just wait till he has his minions go medieval on your ass.”
Satan, on the other hand, has been hearing these adorable Christmas wishes, and has had major issues in Africa. When asked point blank, African children do not actually know it's Christmas, and as far the greatest gift they'll be getting this year is life, one responded, “Fuck life, I want a Playstation 3!”

Santa's Gift Is Satan This Year

It turns out Santa won't be visiting good girls and boys this year. He's boycotted Christmas on the grounds global warming is destroying his home.
“You've ALL been very bad boys and girls this year. If you won't respect my crib, then fuck you!” Global corporate superpowers have sent out economic hit men, jackals, and even Burmese death squads resurrected from the 1970's cleansings in Burma, but to no avail. “I don't even exist you fucking morons, so don't even try that shit again, or I'll convince every little boy and girl in every home across the globe to fucking cap you in the back of the head while you sleep. And I know when you're sleeping.” Santa, giving a bowlful of jelly laugh, continued, “Who the fuck are they going to listen to anyway? Some whiny bitches who don't know how to love children, are always telling them what to do, yelling at them, and making them brush their teeth, or a nice guy they give cookies and milk to? Yeah, that's right, just pimp away fuckers, just pimp away—I will fucking destroy you!”
Mrs. Claus could not be reached for comment about this issue, but whispered under her breath while showing reporters out that Satan will be taking over the job this year, providing gifts for bad little boys and girls. When asked why Satan specifically, she responded, “Because you just have to rearrange Santa's name, that's why. Now get the fuck out before I sick the dogs on you.”

Game Over

Political candidates have discovered they don't actually have to be moral, or ethical, anymore. “We found it so daunting. The reason we got into politics was to be able to do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted to under the guise of helping others. Now we don't have to mince words anymore about pre-teen Thai Ladyboys, or the 'other-race' partner or fuckbuddy we're seeing on the side. We don't even have to hide our finances anymore, because the money we're getting from big business will take care of all those issues related to lawsuits and the environment.” When examined more closely by experts, it turns out more republicans are prone to paying extra-marital trannys for sex than their bleeding-heart opposers, liberals, who have found solace in heavy drinking, wife-swapping, and complaining about republicans.

Prison Colony Discovered in Cornwall

Recently, a prison colony was discovered in Cornwall, England. Most of the inmates still had several of their teeth left; but their clothing has since disintegrated. “We were supposed to go to Australia, and now we don't know what we're going to do. We don't even know how we got here. I mean, we escaped the Bloody Code, the crime and all that shite, and now were all but fucked.” Sources say that because Queen Victoria is dead, there is no way to pardon these wanton ill-doers; and so, because the prison cannot be pulled down with them inside, they are fated to rot there for eternity, like Davy Jones, who rides the Seven Seas looking for victims to call his own. However, The Sun newspaper has re-printed an account of them and their lives, claiming all but one had a life of stealing wallets after rugby riots.

Religious Zealotry Tied To Religious Zealots

A recent study of zealotry has been tied to religious zealots. “Once we had the data in, we knew we had our man,” expounds one scientist. “We cornered him in the alley behind a 7-11, numbers very close to 9-11, and beat him mercilessly until he admitted to being a religious zealot.”
The guilty party, Reginald Faltress, in a pool of his own filth and blood, exclaimed, “I just wanted to get a Slurpee. I've been here all day peddling, and I wasn't even going to buy liquor with the money. Now they made me drop my Slurpee, and I have no money to buy another one.” He began to weep. The scientists fled before they could respond to any more questions.

American Idol Concentration Camps

Millions of ignorant and maladjusted fans were delighted when they found out losing contestants on their favorite show, American Idol, were being interred in a camp outside Skokie, Ill. A spokesman for the camp cited that these inferior singers should not be a part of civilization, and luxuries like food, toilets, and running water be permitted infrequently, and with much consternation.

“I am tired of these swineheimers thinking they can get away with pulling the wool over the eyes of the American public, people who are very discerning and particular about their artistic, and musical tastes. Look at the National Endowment For the Arts. It's enough to fuel a small country. People can do what they want, when they want with those monies, and to waste such prime advertising money on people who claim they can sing, but can't; well, we have a solution for it, a final solution.”
Home Depot is donating thousands of cubic feet of Lime, IBM is donating millions of Hollerith punch cards, Hallmark and Costco are donating 6% of every purchase you make to this very worthy cause.

Holy Water Contains Stem Cells

Holy water blessed by priests has been found to actually contain stem cells. This was a shocking revelation to the church, as they had been told two millennia ago by Fr. Natas that the water he first baptized would not have stem cells, ever.

A young college student in front of the Vatican was asked about this, and she responded, “I don't have time for you right now. I have friends I'm meeting later, and I need to pickpocket some tourists for drink money. The two abortions I had are already gone. If you want stem cells, go to a lab.” The Vatican has not responded to her comments, but a local reporter filming her has since misplaced his wallet.

Laws Inapplicable To Ordinary Citizens

In a strange twist of fate, the same secret laws that politicians and corporations use to make ordinary laws inapplicable to them has been leaked by a 12 year old boy, looking for preteen Asian porn and ending up on a CIA website used to track pedophiles. Once the boy was arrested for leaking such sensitive data the boy then hacked into a police station computer after distracting an officer by crying for his mommy, booked himself a flight to the Kremlin, changed medical prescriptions for his state representatives, and canceled every major credit card of all officers in the precinct where he was held, citing “deceased” as the justification to the credit companies. When finally reached for comment over Greenland, he responded via the airplane's communication equipment to an air traffic controller in the Philippines.

"Well, I didn't bother with the smaller credit cards, because they don't have enough pull to form death squads; or, for that matter, create an FBI to help run their show. The smaller credit card companies may well be a viable business in our free-market economy.”
Authorities have since given up on searching for the boy as their cell phones no longer have signal, but continue to randomly ring “The Fat Albert” theme song.

Kibbles N' Bits

As we all know, plastic is a substance that is not native to our planet. Over time, perhaps hundreds of thousands of years, it eventually breaks down, animals ingest it, and it kills them. The animal decomposes, and the substance goes on to kill again. This has horrified environmentalists, who claim plastic is like Bob from Twin Peaks, asserting to “Kill and kill again.”
But futurists predict a new wave of super species capable of adapting to this new addition to their environment. Fish will be born with plastic harnesses to allow other animals who eat them to pick them up and make consumption easier. Eggs will be laid in either 6, 12, or sets of 24; lastly, what scientists are calling a “case.”
Plastic spoons will be utensils for apes, who will be dining on their inferior cousins, the homo sapien sapien, who by this time, will devolve into a gelatinous and hideous Gollum-like dessert delicious to most mammals.

Blank DVD Sales Plummet

Blank DVD sales have come crashing down this holiday season due to the Big Five movie companies claiming, “We're bigger than Jesus.”
When asked about this, one Pakistani cab driver replied, “I don't know, who are the Big Five Anyway? And who gives a shit if they're bigger than Jesus? He was just a disciple like so many others, like Mohammad.”
A homeless man on the street, who began to urinate on the laconic cab driver's tire exclaimed, “DVD's came from aliens, and don't you think I don't know it!” The cab driver responded by taking a tire iron from behind his seat, chased the homeless man down a nearby alley and screamed, “I'll kill you you motherfucker for pissing on my car!”
The Big Five has yet to respond to either of their detractor's claims, but reports have been pouring in of people who have illegally downloaded movies on their computers taking their computer tower outside and in a fit of rage setting fire to it.

Logos Replace Holy Relics

The Logo has replaced the religious icon, or protective magic charm, says Neocon IT consultants from Silicon Valley. “We discovered that people no longer believe in their religions, citing they are outdated, and have no software equivalent or high-end hardware assigned to them,” says one janitor working for Intel, on his lunch break. “Our Logo has replaced the need for any other medallion, or secondary relic; that is, an ordinary relic that has been touched by a holy relic.”
His boss quipped shortly, “He's partially right, but what do you expect from a GED-equivalent colleague? What's really happening here is we are redefining meaning, that old meanings attached to these outdated religions can no longer exist in a world of bar codes. If we can't scan it, it means nothing. Our new chip set will prove that, and eviscerate any Jihad that gets in our way.” Those who cannot afford these treasured icons on electronic relics have taken to purchasing secondary relics on the black market.

PTA Addendum: High School Still Boring

Per PTA mandated snooping and busybody involvement, several students were asked about their experiences at high school, and it turns out it has been boring since the 1980's. “Sure, we had the Trenchcoat Mafia, but that was more like a band—with guns. I mean, it's like our dads would have done that shit if they were younger and looked like a Goth Duran Duran. What? Shut up dad—I said SHUT IT YOU FUCKER!”

Another student remarked, “But er, yeah, at least you could do drugs in school, and spike oranges with Vodka and stuff. No one even wants to do that anymore. Freshman hazing—it's all gone. I don't really have a reason to go anymore. And I'm not driving my sister to the dentist either, so you can fuck off and tell dad he's right to divorce you.”

As the graph elucidates, the lower the truancy, the higher the boredom. -10% of the students said they would return to school if they got pregnant or an STD, 43.9% claimed school was enough to make them feel worthless, and unaccepted, and a whopping 5% said they'd return to school from juvenile detention if there was a forced sex room somewhere in the school. When mentally challenged students are added to this graph, however, the entire graph falls apart and we are left wondering why we have failed our children.

Coveting “Passé and Cowardly”

More and more Americans are considering that coveting the things of others is passé and completely unnecessary. “Nobody has any good stuff anymore. Besides, I'm worth more than trying to get someone else's shit,” says Amanda Silversmith, mother of five. “I've got too much laundry to do to worry about stealing crap that isn't even worth my time. Most of it's made in China anyway.”

A detractor of this new zeitgeist is General William Farnsworth. “Why the fuck are we using corporations to take over the Middle East if it isn't to get their shit? Besides that, if I see some hottie my buddy is married to, I'm sure as hell gonna try and tap that sweet ass, Rohypnol or not.” The General added, “And if some faggoty nelly has a hot ass that needs to be taught a lesson you can be damned sure me and my buddies are gonna see to it that homo knows his place by breeding his hole and letting him know we white males aren't gonna take any more of this ethnic one-world bullshit anymore.” A notable sociologist could not be reached for comment.

The Amazing Stroke

Brother and sister team Nick and Starr, the winners of The Amazing Race 13, were exposed by an anonymous blogger on an undisclosed website for making love right on the final pit stop mat when they discovered they had won the race.
“Hair and semen were flying everywhere,” claims the blogger. The brother and sister Uberracers blame the Uberliberal fare at VooDoo Donuts for casting a love spell on them to commit a hate crime more egregious than having watched The Amazing Race. “It must be the unlucky race 13,” commented one of the winners.
The blogger, however drunk he was, claimed it must have happened because he was masturbating to the show as it aired thinking about the business guy with the backpack who gave directions to Nick and Starr in Portland who's face was never shown. He believes Sauron is to blame, but isn't sure because he can't remember when he last dosed with magic mushrooms.

Shootin' People Inadvertently Causes Prayer

A man who regularly goes out shooting random homeless people while drunk has found the church. “I've discovered that when I get drunk and shoot people, my quality of life has been severely spiritually compromised. That's when I found the church, and and it has given me a new lease on life. I just bought a big screen TV, 1080p to be exact, so now I can watch the TMZ. I also started cutting my lawn, which I hadn't done in years. Prayer has helped me seek forgiveness for all the sins I have committed." A reporter asked him, “Has this change affected you going out and shooting at people?” He responded, “Oh no, I just don't feel so bad about it anymore.”

Olympic Fever Kills Millions Worldwide

The U.N. is outraged at the number of deaths every fours years due not to hurricanes, droughts, or earthquakes, but from Olympic Fever.

“We just don't understand how people can watch hundreds of hours of television for days on end without drinking, sleeping, or even masturbating,” said a member of the Olympic committee. “We don't have to worry about people in China not being able to breathe in Beijing and suing us, as most of the lawsuits are domestic and not subject to international law. International laws we ignore, but our domestic laws we cannot fiscally be expected to fulfill. It's just getting too expensive nowadays to pay politicians and judges off.”

One young girl's mother sued on the grounds that watching the ice skating championships gave her daughter pneumonia, and she is demanding two gallons of paint and an Ikea computer desk to make her deceased daughter's cluttered hovel into a computer room.

Desperate Governance

Washington legislators started off the week by jumping the shark as seen on Desperate Housewives. One politician remarked, “I was watching the show, and then thought, 'What the fuck?', How come it's five years later?”
His colleague remarked, “They're 'jumping the shark.' It was coined when Happy Days was hemorrhaging viewers so they adopted a clever scheme to have Fonzie jump the shark and save the plummeting show.” “Hey, we should do that with congress and the senate, because no one is paying attention to laws anymore, because they're boring and don't let people do anything.”

Following this brief landmark conversation, the house and senate will pass a bill to push time forward five years, just to see what will happen. People will feel uncomfortable in the future, and will go back in time before the event horizon of the decision of the two houses, and before Desperate Housewives will air to save all humanity.
They will, perhaps, be reading this news article sometime in the near future, unless a paper boy in a DeLorean drunkenly swervedrives by and lobs it at their sprinklers.

Christians Aid AIDS Gays Adopt

Fundamentalist Christians are helping men who have been punished by God with the HIV virus adopt moderately adorable ethnic orphans to take care of them as they waste away--thusly providing the neglected orphans something constructive to do before they enter the penal system or fast-food industry as young adults, and to provide the withering sodomites more time to contemplate an eternity in Hell.

China Swamped with Cheap Merchandise

Over the last several years the people of China have noticed every time they go to the store they turn over a product and see a “Made in America” stamp on it. “It's always the cheap stuff,” says Qui- Chang Wang. “I fear for my children that one day our country will be overrun with these poorly-made and sometimes dangerous products. They're made with little concern for the environment.” As experts probed deeper, they also discovered the country had been inundated with American flags, for which they have no logical response.

Corporate Supersperm

A new type of Übersperm has been introduced into Eastern European populations to combat the victimization they're felt since losing the war. “I don't even know how I got this,” remarks one man. “I've always shuttered away the past, and tried to make a new future, but to no avail.” A Psychologist from the University of Gdansk commented on the unique new methodology. “If we give our countrymen facials on a daily basis, they'll be more likely to feel like they have a purpose and begin repopulating just by the sheer magnitude of what they will be swallowing in the process.” Veterans seem to be the most excited about this ingenious new medical breakthrough.

Belgians Discover Chocolate

In a recent shocking discovery made by vacationing Californians, Belgians can no longer conceal the fact that they did indeed discover chocolate, ignoring former claims made by South American Countries that it was first discovered there. Belgians further accuse South America for passing Bat guano, or bat dung, as authentic Belgian chocolate, as it had once hornswaggled the American soft drink company Coca-Cola with the same ruse. Coca-Cola has refused to comment on the South Americans pulling the wool over their eyes, and say they only use natural, chemical additives to their soft drinks now per American Medical Association standards for promoting gut rot, and intestinal trauma requiring eventual medical care.

Liverpudlians Revive Docks

Scallies from across the globe have banded together in droves to combat their city's depressed economy by reviving Liverpool's dwindling docks through slavery. “We've never tried this before, but we're willing to give it a go!” chortled Reginald Wayne-corkhill. Several young lads and work-free pensioners were on hand to give reporters a Princess Anne “peace sign.” Penny Lane, a slave-merchant who has been doing business for over two hundred years noted,”Did you spill my pint, m8?”

Asian Food Flair

Asians not only have a flair for mathematics, but seem to also have a flair for cooking--brought to our country in the name of good food, served quickly. “We know Americans like out-of-the-ordinary foods, so we've flown in Asian delicacies like carrots and MSG from the Orient to your fine country. These are things math-challenged Americans know nothing about,” says Cambodian entrepreneur John Wilkinson. “Though I was born in Virginia, I've always found myself to be Asian, and living there for two weeks has really, I believe, brought me closer to the people. These simple people will be providing the food my corporation will be introducing in malls across America, so we might know the shiftiness and craftiness of another culture.”

iPAQS Strafe Iraq

Stronger than a barrage of anti-terrorist missiles launched at a Halliburton toy factory, Hewlett-Packard has launched the new iPAQ like a sandstorm of western infidels across the squalid Iraqi desert. Several Bedouins were asked to preview the launch.
“Well, it's name is not unlike the iPhone, is it not?” Another commented, “I think they made this phone just like the name of our country, but without the line under the letter P in iPAQ. And what is this gibberish on the keypad? It's not even in a language or alphabet we can use.”
HP marketers laughed sheepishly, and UN forces quickly whisked the men off to be detained for suspected terrorist activity.