The Walking Dead

Halloween is the one time of year where the demons of wealthy white businessmen may roam freely upon the earth, privatizing what they will. But businessmen of today are no longer carrying shrunken ethnic baby heads or their mother's teeth in a small satchel inscribed with a pentagram as the chic days of yesteryear, they're finding modern ways of parading their wares: Ping Zing golf clubs host the Army Of Darkness, gold tipped walking sticks whipping boys, and top hats like the guy from monopoly wears conceal The Spiders From Mars. This season's must-haves adorn their horrific frames, wasted from years of wanton disregard and nagging demands upon a society ill-equipped to outsource them. When asked about this trend, one man puzzled, “But how is this different from any other time of year?”

Italian Nun Boasts Christ's Stigmata

A young Italian Nun boasts that she has Christ's stigmata. “I don't have it on my hands or feet, but blood gushes from between my legs.” A local priest comments on the miracle. “This isn't an everyday occurrence, but monthly perhaps at best. Several days before the occurrence she has terrible abdominal pain. She is showing extraordinary bravery in the face of this holy adversity.” Hispanic women the world over rally to her bedsit with prayers of support.

Stress Diamonds Cause Psychotropic Skyrocket

Stress diamonds are proving to be a boon to the psychiatric pharmaceutical industry. One psychologist cautions against these miracle medications, however, saying with regards to the stress diamonds to “Simply take them off.”

Infants “Dumb and Dumberer”

In a recent survey, infants have been found to be the stupidest people on the planet. One scientist remarks,“If we didn't have their younger brothers and sisters for stem cell research, I say euthanize the lot of them!” People are taking to the streets as blue collar crime soars due to these uneducated ne'er-do-wells.

On a related note, more and more potential parents are scrapping the idea of having children. One man explains, "We can't possibly go out for a business dinner without the neediness and constant supervision. It also irritates everyone." His wife chimed in, citing, "My breasts are for the enjoyment of my husband and his business associates, and not for some whiny little brat who can't even feed itself."

Toxic Food Dyes Found To Be "Adorable"

Toxic artificial juice and punch dyes have been proven to look “cute” on children. When Mrs. Abernathy's Son took ill due to the cancer caused by toxic food colorings, she had no choice but to give him toxic food colorings to lift his spirits.“My son's cancer was caused by those dyes, but look at that smile!”

Lead Holiest of All the Metals

The Vatican released a statement today claiming lead to be the holiest of all the metals. When asked when WWJD (What Would Jesus Do?) necklaces fashioned from lead began making people deathly ill, The Vatican responded, “Wearing lead tests your faith in Jesus.”

American Idol Fights Back

After far too much money from American Idol Cares was distributed to the needy and destitute in Africa, American Idol has launched a smear campaign against the poverty-stricken ethnic majorities of several African nations, claiming the money was unnecessarily used for food and medicine.

Shellfish L'Chaim!

Orthodox Jewish people today are eating more and more shellfish, a new study reports. When asked to comment, one Orthodox mensch exclaims, “I just don't give a shit anymore, and fuck that two-plate bullshit too. I can't be bothered to do that many dishes—It's fucking exhausting.”

Non-Orthodox Jewish people are quickly following suit, claiming, “Well, we kinda weren't really into the religion anymore anyway.”

Gay Adult Film Star “Battered”

A gay pornographic film star was battered with “loads of jizz” in the upcoming sequel to Cum Facials 3. “I was simply shocked when it happened,” claims the befuddled film star. “I thought they were going to use mayonnaise, or hand lotion. It was as if I had gone out to vote, and this was just as terrifying.”

When asked about his HIV status, the boybitch responded, "I already have 3 strains of the HIV virus in me, but to add another would compromise my quality of life, and I demand compensation.”

He was given a bottle of poppers, several cans of Pepsi with doses of the drug GHB in them, popular in the gay community, and a year's subscription to pozzingnegzholez.com.

Hideous Blouse Causes Spontaneous Combustion

A woman's hideous blouse has caused those around her to burst into flames. “At first we thought it was demons,” remarks one physicist after performing numerous tests on the garment. “It turns out it was actually just a very, very ugly blouse.”

XTube Outrage

People are joining XTube not to post videos of themselves, but are using the site to boast how cool and hip they are about human sexuality. XTube is a website like Youtube, but with primarily adult content for those who can bypass NetNanny in order to view its amateur and commercial videos, ranging from simple blow job and jack-off videos to more complex fisting and daddy/boy or human dog-training content.

“These profiles are easy to spot,” say experts. “Usually the offending party will create a profile for themselves and have either no picture in their profile or just one of their face, and little or no personal information; like their likes and dislikes, or even fetishes. You can't even see what their penis or vagina looks like. It's unconscionable.” Congress will vote Monday after vigilant filibustering over the weekend to an empty Congressional House on whether or not to create a law for this seemingly innocuous torte.

On the upside of things, authentic Quakers and Puritans have been flocking to XTube because it finally meets their standards for dating and potential marriage candidates, retracting a place they previously had called "The Devil's Playground."

Jesus Ignores Prayers

In seclusion for over two-thousand years, Jesus finally emerges begrudgingly and tacitly refuses to protect people from his followers. When asked, Judas, a spokesperson for the King of Kings remarked, “It's not his job, or his problem. He's been through enough as it is. Get over it." Clear-thinking people continue to be incensed at the lack of sensitivity in the aforementioned messiah.

Gastric Bypass “Useless”

Gastric bypass surgery seems to be completely useless, say experts. “We painstakingly researched it for about 25 minutes on Wikipedia, and once we saw 'citation needed,' we knew we were onto something.” In a related story, “Fat bitch” syndrome continues to afflict weight-challenged women in more poverty riddled communities across the nation.

Pubic Zirconias Under Scrutiny

Pubic Zirconias have been mutilating genitalia recently, and the public wants to know why. In a related story, the adult film industry has filed a multi-million dollar lawsuit against the Zirconia company for creating such a clear violation of their freedom of expression, and their now inability to insert marital aids in rectums without a physician present, costing them millions in overhead and lost revenue.

Gay Men Ban Ban on Marriage Ban

Comely gay men are petitioning to have the marriage ban upheld in the supreme court, because of its inherent discrimination against them. “We've all been out at the late night bar crawls, the anonymous public park and bathroom sex, and the homophobic truck stops where we have to endure rough trade just to perform oral sex on someone, anyone, and we've had enough,” says one unattractive gay man. What seems to be the pivotal issue in this case is that hideous gay men, embittered by the idea that no one will either love or approve of them, face years of loneliness and isolation due to the prevalent fact that frequent and recurring booty calls lead to impending nuptials, events in which these men are continually denied.

One judge, who has a history of a “wide stance” in public restrooms, concurs, saying “These victims of the gene pool will never know love, so why put them through more suffering than what nature has already dealt them?” Opponents to these petitioners vehemently claim that marriage has nothing to do with love, or companionship, and that they are merely fishing for compliments to their looks, which according to the opponents, will not be forthcoming.

China A Travel-Free Nation

Chinese peasants are no longer required to sign in and out at police checkpoints, but are given trippy handstamps like at a rave or gay dance club to track their whereabouts and ill-doings. When asked about the stamps, one peasant replied, "Yeah, it's just like in that film Logan's Run, and we're going to carousel. Woo-Hoo!" A government official nodded approvingly, adding, "The microchip inside the stamp is merely a formality."

Internet Birthing On The Rise

More and more women are birthing by Internet conference webcam, rather than by tedious and outdated traditional live birthing process. “I found it to be far more rewarding,” says one woman of indeterminate age. “The best thing is, if you're not satisfied with your baby's appearance, you can attach it to an e-mail and spam your friends as a joke or simply drag it into the recycle bin.”

“So You Think You Can Dance” Hobbled

A shocking report proves losing contestants on the popular television reality show So You Think You can Dance are hobbled directly after the results and are forced to live out their remaining days in slavery under whip working the potato fields of the Ukraine.
The proceeds from the enforced work program will benefit the So You Think You Can Work fund, earmarking much-needed monies for further advertising, marketing, merchandising and branding of the popular television show, whose eventual downward spiral in the ratings will cause several third world nations to collapse.

Emmy Cheers and Tears

Cheers: To Don Rickles for getting Kathy Griffin to shut the fuck up for one second.
Tears: To Kathy Griffin for not being able to get Don Rickles to shut the fuck up for one second.

God Assigned to Atheists

Atheists were stunned today when scientists discovered that there is a god assigned to them, in fact a god that does itself not believe in god. Supporters of this brave new atheistic deity have launched their own broadcasting network, Atheist Broadcasting Corporation to spread the good word that god indeed does not exist, thankful of the existence of this forlorn entity to back their previously ignored claims.

“Big Five” spite moviegoers

After months of inadequate investigation, the “big five” movie making companies are under scrutiny for distributing poor films. Sony BMG admitted it has been making inferior movies for years now due to illegal downloading on the Internet. “We simply can't keep up with the demand for illegal content, so we're not going to bother anymore,” one spokesperson remarked. “We don't have the pull of the petroleum companies like we used to, and because we are no longer driving their empire, they don't seem to care about us anymore, and any requests for executions we've put on black marketeers and pre-teen movie downloaders have fallen short on their part.”

A spokesperson for the petroleum industry quickly retorted, “We don't order executions anymore because we can clearly see the entertainment companies are no longer interested in providing us with marketable content we can quickly move on DVD. Frankly we can't keep up with Internet piracy, and have found our relationship with entertainment companies to be a tenuous one at best. Those drama queens want to make it all our fault, which is not the case. They simply can't find the peasants needed to pay 20 millions dollars to promote and distribute quality films,on our product, so honestly the ball lies in their court. Simply put—Maintain sales, and we'll be glad to execute anyone you want.”

In response to this, the Big Five stamped their feet and went shopping.

Shear Genius Final Cut

Chaos erupted this season on the set of Shear Genius, the Bravo Channel's reality-based television show about hair cutting, coloring, and styling. Five of the six remaining contestants took to their razor-sharp shears using them like prison-like shivs on other competing stylists, blinding one another in a bloodbath that lasted over 4 minutes. A witness observed the blood-curdling shrieking and trilling and described it as "The sound of hundreds of rabbits dying. It was shear genius!”

One contestant, Nelly McNellerson, still laying in a fresh pool of his own blood was reputed to sputter, “I just wanted approval.” Paramedics arrived on the scene, took the shears from the last surviving contestant, and said,” This was your final cut.”

VFW declares war on itself

Complaints of a lack of recent carnage from domestic forces in foreign countries has lead VFW (Veterans of Foreign Wars) Senior Citizens to take up arms, spilling into the streets and swinging drunkenly at anyone in sight with broken bottles, canes, and the occasional oxygen tank.