ICANT DNS Services Only Online Escorts

Hookers will be glad to know they have finally been given their day. Sex addict and multi-billionaire Rex Bartiones has finally mandated his subsidiary ICANT be the proving ground for sex care providers world-wide, catering to even those who desire inter generational relationships, much like the one he has with 13 year-old transgendered lad Consuela Hernandez of Brigada Callejera, a sex workers' and transgender rights organization in Mexico City.

The boy was handed over to him after a weekend fiesta he put together for children's rights organizations in the nation's capital. Women who run BC commented on his generosity.

"He made it clear to us we would not get retroviral drugs, or any money without the boy's assent." Rex stumbled into one of the women, took the microphone in his hand, and gurgled, "Hell yeah it was worth it, I spent over $200 on this party!"

Microsoft Gives 250K Reward

Microsoft last week claimed it's offering a $250,000 reward for information that leads to the arrest of the motherfucker responsible for creating the Conficker internet worm that has fucked-up millions of PCs. Norton Anti-Virus was there to comment.

"We don't know who it is, wink-wink, nudge-nudge, but we do know it's not some fumbling bloatware, malware, or spyware software developer whose virus leaves such a huge footprint you have to upgrade your RAM just to keep your hard drive from crashing. Why would a company like that introduce a virus, even though they're the only ones who have the solution, and only for a price, wink-wink, nudge-nudge?" Microsoft had been contacted for a comment on Norton's position, but access to their online help desk returned a Denial Of Service page.

Dating On The Skids

It turns out dating is not as popular as it once was, due to the liquor drenched Blues and Jazz clubs scattered across the U.S. like fermented corn from an angry bull's rectum. Bill Fremont, from Baton Rouge, LA, comments.
"Every single time I went out to one of those clubs, I ended up getting Chlamydia, Syphilis, or some other STD from some drunk woman or man. I ended up going out just to drink because I was afraid I wouldn't even enjoy jacking off for the next couple weeks because of a urethral infection, so I decided to stay home, drink, and go on the internet.
I found I didn't even care anymore if the person on the other end was a woman or not. Hell, Chicks with dicks got the best of everything, cause either way yer fucked."
College Youths have ignored this wisdom, and continue to populate seedy blues and jazz knockoff clubs to "Get their fill."

Socialism At An All-Time High

Buddhism has been slowly traveling the planet, finding a new home every 500 years. It took 500 years for it to find it's way from India to China, another 500 to Japan, and now 500 more to America. However, Socialism has found it's way to America merely 75 years after it's introduction into China and The Russian Federation.
"There can only be one reason for this: it makes sense," says Harvard Law graduate John Mulchony. "I discovered I don't have to live in poverty, giving up all material things, nor do I have to work for them with my law degree. I'm just waiting for people to get pissed off enough to march into rich homes, execute wealthy families, and take their shit." His father, CFO of Price-Pfizer, was not available for comment.

Landlords On The Rise

What would you do with a WHOLE million dollars? Why, rent out the home you couldn't afford for 1.2 millions dollars to tenants who will, eventually, steal your television, the bathroom and kitchen fixtures, and your dog, a new study shows.
"People have decided it's easier to actually buy a home and default on the mortgage shortly after just to have somewhere to live while six other family members work at Taco Bell, taking home food just to survive," claims a respondent from HUD to the question "What would you do with a millions dollars?"
"After taxes, surcharges, and fees, the million dollars actually turns out to be only about $15,000; which is, of course, above poverty level, so they will have to pay taxes on that $15,000. Th solution is to rent out the home you've bought, and live on the street until the tenants pay off your mortgage; unless, of course, they make off with the fixtures..."

Hubble Crater Sues Hubble Telescope.

Hubble is actually a lunar crater that lies very near the east-northeastern section of the Moon, with a colongitude of 275° at sunrise. For years it has been ignored, but not today. A Lawyer for the ignored crater has responded to claims that the Hubble Telescope did egregiously and with malice steal the Hubble name from it when Hubble took flight in April of 1990, citing it had more claim because it was more famous. "This case has more clout than when the WWF, now the WWE, or World Wrestling Entertainment, then known as World Wrestling Federation, tried to steal the name of the World Wildlife Fund; who, in return, rallied all the animals of the world to perform a major souplex on the WWE it has yet to recover from."
A spokesman for the Hubble Telescope guffawed, "If you think that pansy-assed crater of yours has more claim to the name 'Hubble,' then tell your fuckwit crater to come get it!" News sources have been ashamed to print anything on the matter, but the Associated Press has several hundred freelance journalists on the story.

Irish Scribes Ignore Potato Surplus

Anglo-Irish playwrights and social thinkers are not eating as many potatoes as people had been asserting for years. "The weird thing is they've been drinking themselves into a stupor and committing acts of buggery. We're not sure what relevance they can have being bombed all the time, but they seem to do it in spades." When asked what was referred to as 'relevance,' the source claimed, "Oh not for writing, for buggery."

Sun's Corona Pissed Off

The Sun's Corona has been pissed off for years, claim futurists. "It has been flaring out more and more as of late, like a baboon in estrus, or the splayed-out hole of a go-go boy at a sex club around 3 am after everyone's had their turn," says neophyte James Adler of the University of The Midwest.
"Any more shit from the people of earth, and that sucker is going ballistic like an inverted sea cucumber, spitting out corn and any other fiber it's been ingesting for a thousand millennium. " The sun itself isn't even sure why it's corona has bee misbehaving, but inside sources say it's because people have been worshiping the sun more and more, and ignoring it's more beautiful features, like it's corona.
"We know one thing, if it gets any angrier, everyone's getting corned."

Wikipediaphiles Encouraged

Wikipedia has finally opened it's doors to researching pedophilia. "We weren't sure about our decision in the beginning, but once we knew the posted images of nude children weren't going to fall into the hands of perverts and queers, we were decided."
A Spokesman for NAMBLA, the North American Man Boy Love Association, has responded to their decision by saying, "Of course we wouldn't go there looking for images of nude children, especially boys because there probably won't be any. Images of young boys, smooth boys, pre-pubescent boys. We want people to see us as human beings, not sex offenders. I mean, you take a piss in public and get caught, you're a sex offender. It's like that."
When informed that there would be images like that, The NAMBLA spokesman shuffled off with his laptop on hand to find a Starbucks with an open wifi connection.