Xenu attacks Bahamas

Xenu attacked The Bahamas this week in a fury of spite and revenge. The alien, made famous by Dianetics founder L. Ron Hubbard, was seen hovering above Nassau hurling thunderbolts down like so many cheerfully colored candy canes in a rage that killed a number of people.
No one was prevented from his imperious attacks as gay men sashed trilling from the excitement, nervously fingering their blackberries in an attempt to escape the wrath of this displeased entity. Xenu has since changed the designation our planet known previously as "the help planet" to "the hell planet." Onlookers gaped in horror as they tried desperately to change their sexual identity in order to escape utter annhilation by this most ired of all the gods. The flying saucer he piloted was manufactured in Canada, reputed to be the most aggressive of all the innocuous comely nations. A brand new episode of Desperate Houswives will follow next Sunday.