Coffee prices have plummeted over the last year, claim spurious sources. South American druglords explain."We basically have offed anyone who is producing coffee, so there won't be coffee anymore, but there will be thankfully an upsurge of cocaine available for the public to enjoy. It used to be in Coca-Cola, and is still prescribed in even the most minor cases of depression. What we're doing is making available what the public wants; and, we've decided whatever marketers have decided the public wants, the public gets."
Reports are coming in from all over Kona, Hawaii, that coffee fields are ablaze, and countless workers have been airlifted to the safety of South American Coca plantations, where pubescent girls can finally have a chance at marrying dreamy drug-addled and scarred middle-aged Patrons.
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