Helvetica At War

Helvetica has finally taken a stand on war criminals, complaining they're far too violent. It's five year plan is to overtake western culture by emblazoning itself on every pamphlet, store sign, and company logo.It further has taken steps to poisoning water supplies across most of Western Europe, and introducing the Ebola virus to the Far East.
"We didn't think the avian flu was good enough," claims Helvetica. "We've had enough of this violence, and it's time go medieval on some asses."
Helvetica, according to irrelevant sources, has been stockpiling nuclear weapons and weapons of mass distruction for years now. "Once our plan has been unleashed, the won't be a single sucker left on this dead rock to even read our font anymore."

Coffee Prices Plummet

Coffee prices have plummeted over the last year, claim spurious sources. South American druglords explain.
"We basically have offed anyone who is producing coffee, so there won't be coffee anymore, but there will be thankfully an upsurge of cocaine available for the public to enjoy. It used to be in Coca-Cola, and is still prescribed in even the most minor cases of depression. What we're doing is making available what the public wants; and, we've decided whatever marketers have decided the public wants, the public gets."
Reports are coming in from all over Kona, Hawaii, that coffee fields are ablaze, and countless workers have been airlifted to the safety of South American Coca plantations, where pubescent girls can finally have a chance at marrying dreamy drug-addled and scarred middle-aged Patrons.

Liberty Finally Assessed

The word "Liberty" has finally been assessed, and registered to a young man in Bangalore, India.
"I thought it would be a good idea to trademark the phrase before anyone else did. Some of my friends were drunk one night, and thought, 'Hey, if people can trademark the human genome, and DNA, why can't we trademark something that has no substance, and little meaning?'"
Several thousand American companies are now paying royalties on the name. Liberty Fidelity has closed its doors, and countless other companies are following suit, in spite.
"If those racist towelhead assholes in the Middle East are going to trademark something we use daily, then fuck'em. We're going to dissolve our assets, and turn them toward war munitions. Those Indians from Iraq aren't going to get the best of us, cause these colors don't run." The man pointed to his Gucci belt, which he proceeded to remove, and then whip the reporter with.

People Mysteriously Taken In By Kink

People nowadays have mysteriously been taken in by kink, a new study shows. Old information has shown people were far more into violence, due to the uncontrollable urge to go shopping, but now they seem the only thing left in their control is heavy kink.

One Midwestern housewife explains, "My husband and i used to be a part of the NRA, but nowadays we've taken to buying huge dildos, which I, in turn, use on my husband."
"There's nothing gay about it," exclaims the flushed man. "I'm still recovering from last night. But I'll tell you one thing, it's far cheaper than buying a gun, and at least we both get something out of it. When I get done smacking her around, she turns the tables, and lets me have it."

Plain Clothes Cock

Cock today is seemingly more willing to represent itself, say insiders. "Well, in the old days we were seen as 'sacred' in movies; when, in fact, we were just trying to protect our 'smaller' brothers from being ridiculed in public for their size," says one average-sized penis.
"At other times in history we were vilified for being evil, serving only to be the instrument people used to procreate, and still other eras we were worshiped, being called 'baloney pony', and 'meat wand.'
Nowadays I think we've emerged from those tempestuous times and like to think of ourselves as merely an appendage of the male human body. Some bodies across the universe don't even have us. We don't care, we just want to be seen for who we are and not as an extension of somebody else's ideas about us. Let us finally speak for ourselves." Upon hearing this a 14 year old boy in Alabama pulled out his fuckrod, and stuck it in a goat.

WWF Comes Out

The WWF today announced the leaking of personal information from wrestlers has reached an all-time high. People now know a "smackdown" is actually a term for one wrestler fisting another backstage after a bout of homoerotic antics peppered with homophobic slurs in the ring. "Souplex" is a term used for 69ing, and "have him on the ropes" is a phrase used when, after the match, 10-15 pro wrestlers come together and hog tie one of their drunkenly unconscious colleagues, and proceed to gang bang him while spitting into each other's mouths. The World Wildlife Fund has been reached for comment, but they refused on the grounds they sued the WWF years ago for rights to the letters WWF, as animals the world over gave a sigh of relief.

Goebbels Family To Release New Baby Food

The famous Goebbels family, from Argentina, has dictated a new food be offered to the lesser races of the world as war reparations. "We thought it finally time to unveil that we are not the criminals people would have us be," says Josephina Goebbels, fuhrer of the family business. "We wanted to offer inferior races a food complimentary to their slavish ways."

The "food," which appears to be ground glass, asbestos, and attic insulation, was created by none other than Josef Mengele after his flight from Germany with the assistance of ODESSA to Buenos Aires.
The baby food is pending approval of the Food and Drug Administration here in The United States, and should hit inner-city shelves early next week after a four day rigorous testing procedure by scientists at Gerber, the well-known baby food company.

More Djorks In Iceland Than Anywhere Else.

A new report has shown that there are more "Djorks", the Icelandic word for "Dork," in Iceland than in any other part of the world. "We don't know why," says one Butcher from Poughkeepsie, NY. "I knew this girl from Iceland once, she was fucking nuts. She just kept talking about aliens and computers. It was enough to put me off fucking her, but i still did it." He guffawed with laughter. "She kept trying to get me to eat out her butthole, then kiss her; and, I don't know about the rest of the crazy world out there, but you never go ass to mouth, unless you live in the Middle East. And, even there, if anyone finds out about it, you'll lose a lip or a finger depending on what you did to offend the slutty third party."
A secondary study had been mandated to determine how many uptight butchers there are in New York.

"Straights" Enduring Sodomy

More and more heterosexual men are enduring the labor-intensive art of buggery, a new study shows. "We know it's the 21st century, we know 'the gays' have inundated our airwaves, educating us to their ways; and, though we do it, we're still not sure how," says one man from Boise, ID. "We're not going to watch some fag porn just to learn how, and we have to get our girlfriends drunk to do it, but by god if that's what it takes to be metrosexual and convince them we're not homophobes, we're willing to do what the cocksuckers do in order to get some sweet, sweet pussy." Greek men the world over have been airlifted in to assist these despondent men, but the men are continuing to wake up dazed and without recollection of the events the night before, and with sore rectums. The Greek men have since been found at LAX, driving cabs.

In Search Of...Something Worth Watching

The television show created as an American icon in the 1070's is back, not with Leonard Nimoy as narrator, but RuPaul.
"The show needed a revamp," says one television smallwig. "People want to hear about what's important to them nowadays, not what someone think might have happened. People aren't interested in answers anymore, at least not to things that have nothing to do with them. They want to know what matters.
I mean, have you ever tried to whittle your way through numerous partners in order to find that one perfect powerbottom who can take it for an hour and a half because the viagra you took two hours ago won't let you cum? That's what this show is all about, helping people find what they really need." The show will premier after America's Funniest Home Videos this fall.

London Underground Becoming Tedious

The London Underground, famous for violent drunk fat Trannys and unemployable heroin-addicted jazz musicians has now become a gathering place for window-lickers and the like who previously only rode buses. "It's just not cool anymore," says one middle-aged businessman. "We used to have fun pointing out the foibles of others, now it's just sad when every monger, pensioner, and feeb is fucking gobshiting us to kingdom come. I long for the days when you could just kick some addict out of your way and move along. Now you have to act like you really care. What a bunch of fucking tossers! I'm sorry, 'people we should be kind to."' A young pierced goth sitting next to him got up and moved to another seat, complaining about how twats have inundated the London Underground.

Karma Suture

Many teens today are forgoing tattoos all together, and just cutting their love messages to each other directly into their arms, claims one tattoo artist, living in Long Beach, Ca. "I can't even pay my rent anymore since suicidal teens have decided to spread the word about 'cutting.' She's a cutter, he's a cutter, they're all fucking cutters. Well, I'm fucking sick of it, and if they don't start coming in with their parents' fake signatures for tattoos they want to get, I'M going to do some cutting of my own, and it won't be skin deep." The brave man has been through two marriages, and one boyfriend before succumbing to a crystal methamphetamine and Dilaudid addiction. He remains embittered staying up late nights masturbating to teen Thai ladyboy pornography.

White Supremacists Finally Back Obama

White Supremacists have finally started backing President-Elect Obama Bin Laden, once they discovered he shares many of their same beliefs. "We found he thinks the Jew is using the black as muscle to destroy good 'white' values that we hold dear, as Americans," says one unemployed tattooed man from Birmingham, AL.
"We can't kill him either, because he does have superior genes in him. Once genetic research companies can discover a way to remove the inferior genes, he will summon in the Fouth Reich by withdrawing all monies accumulated by Freemasons during World War II from the Swiss Bankers Association and wring hellfire down upon the non-believers and uplift the Aryan race to what it was back in India."
Bin Laden's spin doctors were not available for comment.

Innocent Bistander Held On Charges of Polyamory

An innocent bistander was hauled into court yesterday on charges he loved more than one person. "I find it egregious this manwhore could love not only two people, but one of them being the same sex. I'm appalled." The man was caught laughing and having a good time at TGI Friday's in Hemet, Ca., when he was apprehended.
"Yeah, we picked the faggot up at TGI, took him in the bathroom, smacked him around, fucked the little faggot up the ass, and then processed him down at the local station," says local closeted homosexual Sgt. John Riley. "I went straight, as it were, to the scene to take care of this personally, because this affects my family. I mean, what if that homo tried to have sex with my son's hot, wet, warm, football lineman's ass? This homo needs to go."
A woman standing nearby responded. "Er, it's technically bisexuality." Sgt. Riley removed his weapon from its holster, and pistol whipped the woman senseless. She remains in critical condition at Hemet City Hospital, haven been taught a lesson she shan't soon forget.

Microsoft Visual Cause of Pedophilia

"The error you see before you is only the beginning,"says one former MS employee whistle blower. "This code is actually used by pedophiles as a secret signal that a child is nearby, and ready for buggering." All the pedophile has to do at this point is press the OK button on the interface, and a child will be instantly transported to the offender's basement, anywhere in the world. "We thought transporters were not even possible, but these boyhole-hungry pervs are taking science to the next level, far beyond anything we've imagined, just to suit their sick and depraved lifestyle. They were behind cloning, thinking they could clone children no one would miss, they're behind stock market crashes, knowing parents would sell their child's ass for such neccessities like a cup of rice or an ipod, and now this." Program1 has since been arrested and tried for patent infringement on cloning, and Endit has been arrested and executed for possessing the gene for pedophilia, owned by Montrose.

Shift Key Causes Doppler Effect

Apparently a Southeast Asian computer manufacturing company has inadvertently manufactured a shift key that causes the Doppler Effect. When one presses the key, the sound of the key being pressed changes by the time it reaches the listener's ear. Experts say this is only one small issue. "The larger issue here," one NASA expert claims, "is that when the key is pressed, planes start falling from the sky. We're still not sure why, but we think it might be ghosts." Ghosts were not available for comment, because they do not exist.

RSS Feeds Making People Sick

RSS feeds have been proven to actually make people sick, says one scientific magazine.
"We've reviewed the data on RSS feeds, and found that people who subscribe to them are actually purchasing larger and larger drinks and food items at fast food chains," says Herbert Forsythe, head of a scientific corporation who must remain nameless. "Since we broke the news, several fast food chains have launched hits against us, and two men are now dead because of it. We simply can't keep up with these terrorist tactics to dissuade people from the truth, so we're going to bury the information."
The unnamed source of the leaked information was found inside the trunk of a 74 Pinto, next to the man who illegally absconded with the data. several days later authorites were alerted to the body after the sotyr had been published.

Fat Little Fucks

Fat little pig-like creatures have been running around lately causing havoc, and the public wants to know why.
"There has been an upsurge of obese midgets and dwarfs skipping around on playgrounds, schoolrooms, and in parks recently, and since we've decided to investigate, the numbers have been increasing," says one CIA agent. "With the lack of cocaine interest in this country anymore, we've had to outsource our product, which may mean dangerous weight gains for a large number of our population."
One grandmother, when asked, glanced up from her "stories" and replied cantankerously, "They're just little children who have been spoiled by poisonous food and artificial soft drinks, you ignorant fuckwits."

Hacking Not Really A Crime.

According to experts, hacking is not really a crime. "What happens in cyberspace, stays on cyberspace. Because none of it is real, no one needs worry about taking responsibility for what they've done or plan to do," says one bored IT tech. "If someone wants something from our business, they just get it. I can't be bothered to police those guys anymore, and have ceased even monitoring virus attacks. If the system fails, it does. I'll do all I'm willing to do to stop that from happening, which now includes Wii Sports, which I bought for my cubicle. I have one at home, but I'm far too lazy to lug that thing to work everyday."
It turns out that with the credit crunch, others are not worried either. "Since we've moved to a credit-based system of money and governance, you don't have to worry about saving, losing, or spending money, because none of it means anything anyway. It's all based on loans," says one fourth grader from celebrity high in Paramount, CA. The Dow Jones fell four hundred points today, but that's all because the monkey pressed the wrong key on his Commodore 64.

Anne Hathaway Wins At Golden Globes

Several days before the event, The Golden Globe website announced this year's winners online to help fans avoid the embarrassment of actually having to watch the show. Sporting a double breasted Golden Globe dress, Anne Hathaway was quickly whisked off the stage and given a beating the likes of which Rodney King could not have predicted.

“I didn't know the Golden Globe design was trademarked,” she whimpered. A spokesman for the third world nation of the Golden Globes commented. “She lives in a first world country, she knows how it works. Everything is owned by someone, and if that stupid bitch is going to feign ignorance of it, the bitch is getting a beat-down.”
People were just as horrified as it was announced before the show that Sean Penn did not actually get deep-dicked in the movie “Milk.” “I was hoping to see some barebacking action, like Heath Ledger did to that fag in 'Brokeback Mountain,'” a fundamentalist mother of three from Spokane, Wa., commented. Again, this year, sorrow for the Golden Globes trying to measure up to its' inferior, The Oscars.

"Scrappin's" Gone "Crappin'"

People, notably bored by doing page after page of scrapbooking, have decided to form anarchistic groups of scrappers, called "Guerrilla Scrappers." These lawless heathens have taken to co-opting scrapping conventions, and spraying their undesirable themes across the pages of unsuspecting middle-aged sex-frightened women, and balding closeted married potbellied men.
These despondent Middle Americans have since formed neighboorhood watch groups, where they take their fear and anger; and, instead of attacking the aforementioned Guerilla Scrappers, take the high road, and are creating "cautionary tale" scrapbooks featuring these troglodites to teach their children lessons about judgement and action.
Jesus has presided over a number of these meetings, and can usually be found asleep in the corner until the relentless scrappin' enthusiasts reluctantly wake him up and let him go.

Flogger

The House of UnAmerican Activites (NSA) announced today it has been clandestinely monitoring the blogs of hundreds of millions of Americans, claiming it answers to no one, and no longer has to abide by the laws of the United States, nor the Declaration of Independence. "We do not declare people to be free in this country anymore, and so we've burned the Declaration," says one spokesman, sucking on a large Jamba Juice Mega Mango smoothie.
One detractor stood up, and shouted, "What gives you the right to imposed your beliefs on us?" The NSA operative responded by producing a gun, and, firing it, chortled, "This."
Another man shouted to the crowd behind him, "Isn't anyone going to do something about this?!"
A woman laughed, citing, "I got my Economic Stimulus payment, and I don't even work. So, the answer is NO."
Those around her laughed, and went back to their shopping.

Scientists recalibrate the earth's atmosphere:

People were in shock today as they discovered two clever scientists from a local bar who have decided to re-calibrate the earth's atmosphere, making the air breathable again.
"It was really simple," says one of the proud men. "All we did was change the electromagnetic field of the earth to reject all plastic/petroleum products. It's a cunning plan, because anyone who uses any of them within a 3 mile radius will instantly burst into flames."
The other scientist added, "The great thing about it is rich people will no longer have to interact with their drivers. Shipments will come in by driver, in his own car, then transferred to horse and buggy and taken deeper into the estate."
A spokesperson for OPEC responded as well, saying, "Don't worry about that hobgoblin, we have another panel of scientists we have paid very well to refute such hogwash." Iraq and Alaska have had mandatory evacuations, and will be slated for demolition--American troops are finally on their way home!

Xenu attacks Bahamas

Xenu attacked The Bahamas this week in a fury of spite and revenge. The alien, made famous by Dianetics founder L. Ron Hubbard, was seen hovering above Nassau hurling thunderbolts down like so many cheerfully colored candy canes in a rage that killed a number of people.
No one was prevented from his imperious attacks as gay men sashed trilling from the excitement, nervously fingering their blackberries in an attempt to escape the wrath of this displeased entity. Xenu has since changed the designation our planet known previously as "the help planet" to "the hell planet." Onlookers gaped in horror as they tried desperately to change their sexual identity in order to escape utter annhilation by this most ired of all the gods. The flying saucer he piloted was manufactured in Canada, reputed to be the most aggressive of all the innocuous comely nations. A brand new episode of Desperate Houswives will follow next Sunday.

Mmmm Mmmm...Good!

When a group of Veterans from WWII were asked, each and every one of them preferred the tasty scrumpiness of Japanese food. "We had that crap morning noon and night while we were there," one old miser comments. "Hell, we even bought it for the Geishas that would occupy us from time to time, and some of them were only dressed as women. Hell, we didn't care--it was WAR I tell you--WAR!"
He coughed a bit, and began rambling on about a young lad who used to wash his clothes during wartime as another barely cogent man rumbled, "We didn't have women like you whippersnappers do today! We had to make do with costumes, make-up, and the occasional goat. Goodamned kids and clapped-up Japs!"

Thank Heaven For 9-11

When people were running amok and screaming wildly from ground zero, one man was there to help. Ahmed Mohoam, a man not of Middle Eastern terrorist descent, was there to offer chilled frozen beverages and slightly aged cooked hot dogs to shrilling passersby. "I wanted to help them in their hour of need," claimed Ahmed. "They all seemed so lost, and so frightened. When I'm lost or frightened I usually have some hot food with a cold drink. I only hope my franchise can take part in a canned food drive or stuffed teddy bear collection to help these poor people deal with what God has decided for them the endure." A woman ran by and plucked a moderately stale hot dog from Ahmed's hands, proving his work was God's work.

Internet Shutdown

The internet was shut down today for several hours as engineers tried erratically and without success to pull the dead hamster out of the mainframe that runs the entire internet. "We know who's behind this. One of our buddies got drunk as hell, and decided to feed that little fucking rat some coke, cause he had been snorting it all night."

He continued, "When I logged on before bed I experienced internet speeds I would have never hoped of, and I have FIOS. We're talking speeds WAY beyond even fucking T5. I knew then something was terribly wrong. Luckily, one of our buddies who had a hangover rushed over to PetSmart to get another hamster. Sorry for the inconvenience."

Barney Charged with Criminal Mischief

Barney was charged today with criminal mischief, as a man who was wearing one of his t-shirts was gunned down point-blank by the House of Un-American Activities. It Happened at LAX, one of the busiest airports in the world. A man was trying to board a plane to the bahamas when he was stopped by airport security, claiming the Loveable purple character on his shirt was carrying a gun. the man replied, "Yes, but don't you see? It says 'fight terrorism' on the shirt." They quickly shuffled him off to a room where he was beaten mercilessly; and, while trying to crawl away was mistakenly shot for allegedly attacking the officer adjacent to him he was trying to crawl away from. Authorities have since arrested several members of his family for grieving.

Europeans “Having It Off”

Americans have had some reservations about becoming part of the European Union for one reason and one reason only—Europeans are doing it everywhere they feel like. Besides pissing in the streets, possessing questionable bathing habits, and not shaving “dirty” places Europeans have been known for doing it “doggy” in cafes, performing fellatio in train stations right in front of children, and inbreeding with relations too close to build a strong genetic line.

“We went to Europe on a trip we won on 'The Price is Right,' and we were appalled. One couple was performing coitus with their dog right on a car hood in front of a gasoline station. We called the police, and when they arrived, it took about five to six shots to the abdomen before the man would stop fucking. I can tell you this, we won't be going back there again anytime soon!”
Her husband was quick to respond, “Well, she won't be coming back, but personally I'm eager to learn about new cultures and their unique ways.” Since then stricter laws have been enacted regarding public sex in the United States, and mandatory shaving with regular inspections have been taking place in the adult film industry to make the models appearing in them look younger.

Credit Card Sales Soar

People who are tired of having to pay off their credit cards have finally found a solution. “I just keep raising my credit limit and pay off the minimum every month. Once they reject raising my limit again, I'll just default on the loan and get another card at a higher interest rate. I live in a rental. What are they going to do, sue me for my 1993 Toyota Camry? Just try it fuckers.”
Many people are following this man's advice, charging anything they want, even things they don't need in order to break down a system that no longer works for them.
One woman claims, “Hell, I even got credit cards for my kids by having my son hack in the Social Security Administration and create new social security numbers so I can get more cards. They want me to charge more? Hell yeah!” Since then projections for suicides in February due to credit debt from Holiday spending have plummeted.