iPAQS Strafe Iraq

Stronger than a barrage of anti-terrorist missiles launched at a Halliburton toy factory, Hewlett-Packard has launched the new iPAQ like a sandstorm of western infidels across the squalid Iraqi desert. Several Bedouins were asked to preview the launch.
“Well, it's name is not unlike the iPhone, is it not?” Another commented, “I think they made this phone just like the name of our country, but without the line under the letter P in iPAQ. And what is this gibberish on the keypad? It's not even in a language or alphabet we can use.”
HP marketers laughed sheepishly, and UN forces quickly whisked the men off to be detained for suspected terrorist activity.

Cranium Southeast Asian Edition Board Game Released

This isn't your everyday Cranium. It has more twists and turns than a Burmese Opium run. Though game play remains basically the same, the board has been revamped to be more suitable for its release in Southeast Asia. These are the fundamental differences:

Word Worm: Leave the old Tijuana donkey show behind. A bull's penis will test your opponent's stamina.
Data Head: Monkey brains are far more delicious when chilled. But don't eat the Pineal Gland, it's just garnish.
Creative Cat: This cat ain't going anywhere, except maybe a frying pan.
Star Performer: Remember this lady ain't no lady, but a ladyboy. Remember kids, always get tested for STD's before taking your next turn!
Sales have been slow this Christmas Season, but expect to pick up for the New Year.

Germany's next top Superfetishist

Last week DW-TV, Germany's international t.v. station launched a sister show to America's Next Top Model by unveiling Germany's Next Top Superfetishist. “The difference between the two shows,” one spin doctor complained,” is that the models being denigrated will not have their surgeries completed. Those going in for DaVinci veneers in their mouths will be leaving without teeth. Collagen injections to the lips will be horrifically distorted, and tummy tucks will be left unsutured. We decided this show should be most suited to automatons Germans are most likely to masturbate to. This is why Heidi Klum left.” The show has topped the ratings, and Negerküsse sales have gone through the roof.

Turkey He/She Debacle

Scientists have discovered the breasts of the Tom Turkey are 50% larger than the male wild turkey, however their brains are 30% smaller, which affects higher brain functioning. “We've found this in all mammals, including humans,” says one scientist as he completed his crossword puzzle. Additionally, the male Tom Turkey has problems mounting female turkeys because of his size and intelligence, which scientists has found to be true of all mammals as well, including humans.

Thanks Be To God For A GM Thanksgiving

Thanks to genetically modified Octopi, there can be turkey legs for everyone! When asked to comment, Barbie Flo from the Smokey Mountains chortled, “When I ain't cookin' a Thanksgivin' feast, I gotta git out the back and whup up some pig grease so Ol' Joe here can gimme a pearl necklace, so If'n it means less work from me, Hell Yeah! ” She then scratched her breast, and passed wind. Joe-Bob Tremaine, her common law husband chimed in. “Them'in Chinese is always comin' up with somethin' new agin the word of the lord; but hell, you cain't blame'um, they eat so much sushi. 'Course'n now I gotsta wait till my birthday fer the pearl necklace. Damn Chinese.”
The inventor of the specialized Octopus, Montrose, refused to comment on those being interviewed, but notioned a form of chicken flavored sushi would soon be available on the European market.

Women and children in need of a good thrashing

“Why should it be women and children who are spared in times of war? They're just as guilty as the rest of us who live in whatever country that's being invaded,” says one executed man from an economically insignificant country. “I mean, some women get raped and stuff, so at least they're getting some. Where's my rapist? I just get murdered. What a load of crap.”

This issue became relevant when a member of a first world country stood up. “I never took the ears off a women or a child to make into a necklace during 'Nam, just Old Charlie. The few rapes I committed against pre-teen girls didn't even count 'cause I didn't get to kill them. I mean, what the fuck?” United Nations is now addressing this very sensitive issue and will include this within the parameters of ethnic cleansing, and one's props within those guidelines during times of wealth redistribution.

Stars Destined For Boredom

Several movie stars have actually died from boredom. “We got all the money and approval we couldn't give to ourselves, and now there seems nothing left,” says one film star who wants to remain moderately anonymous, until it goes prime time. “We try drugs, we get deals for celebrity rehab, we try suicide, and someone names a hospital wing after us. We bait stalkers to reel us into their murder/suicide pact. I'm done.” Stay-at-home moms are now puzzling through the link between fame and merchandising through a mail order course in marketing.

HIV Mothers Charged

HIV positive mothers are being charged with infecting their unborn babies with the HIV virus. “I had unprotected sex with a man near me knowing I was HIV positive to show my baby, if it survives, the horror I have to live through every day.” says one woman living in rural Springfield. “The worst part of it is, I won't know until it's born whether I should have aborted it midterm because it would be born without the virus.” Other women aren't as lucky as this one, however.

“I became pregnant, and didn't realize I was HIV positive, and now am charged with attempted murder,” says Xiang Lee, of Guizhou province. “Now there has been talk of harvesting my body parts for sale on the black market by an American organ harvesting corporation.”

iPot Goes Chronic

In mental health news, the introduction of iPot on the populous has sent mental health practitioners reeling. Smoking medicinal marijuana while listening to an iPod has returned the same results as smoking illegal marijuana whilst doing the same thing. “We thought medicinal marijuana would have a different effect,” claims Herbert Mainswaring from Johns Hopkins University. “We knew the name of the 'chronic' pot was the same, but we didn't think it would have the same effects.” Smokers of this new form of marijuana were elated to find this out, dismissing their plans to return to their medical marijuana distribution farmacy's catchily-named price-gouging tactics and return to their street-saavy gun-slinging dealers who have more market share, and can wheel deals in bulk for a higher quality farmaceutical.

Pope Bans Olympics

Some nations have decided not to host the Olympics, ever. An ambassador from Vatican City, the smallest country in the world, commented on behalf of the Pope. “Our tunics and ridiculous hats make it impossible to ever win any medals, so why fucking bother?” He adds, "This is why the Majesterium has deemed this event unholy." Devout members of the church have since organized Olympic Merchandise burnings bigger than when John Lennon said of the Beatles, "We're bigger than Jesus."

Man Sues Over Downloaded Movie

A man from Toledo, Ohio has launched a multi-million dollar lawsuit for a movie he downloaded off the Internet, claiming the movie has caused him undue pain and suffering. “They spent ten of millions of dollars on this movie, and it was so bad I demand the full amount of the production in compensation.”

A spokesperson for the movie company has said that the trailer for the film made viewers fully aware of the scope of the production, and that the man's claims are unwarranted. “We can't sue him because it will make us look like pricks,” says one movie bigwig,” but I'll be damned if we're going to give someone money for this bullshit feel good movie we were just trying to make a few bucks off cause our cocaine shipment was intercepted by the CIA.”
The man has dropped the lawsuit, but has since employed hackers to crash every workstation at the company on a daily basis so this will never happen again.

Study Links Alcoholism to Irish

A recent scientific study has linked liquor to alcoholism in the Irish. A bar in Killerny, Ireland was observed for a period of over ten minutes, and several renowned dressmakers have come to the conclusion that liquor does indeed contribute to alcoholism in the Irish. “Other factors pointed us away from our findings,” said one woman, “but in the end the more stuporous the subjects became, the more we noticed glasses of what can be described as none other than alcohol.”
The Irish then gathered en masse and swung their fists in a drunken rage at the women, beating them to death in the street whilst dancing a jig like the Lucky Charms guy.

North Africans “Too Black”

84% of North Africans feel they are “too black” for western culture and are continuing to thrive in shantytowns, protesting laconically. However, one man, Ubu Aduba, had something to say about it. “We don't have any resources economic hit men of multi-national European corporations can covet, we don't have any education to run their toxic textile mills and synergistic electronics companies, and our skin is too dark to blend in with their honky-assed fascist democracy even if we didn't drown trying to boat our way to Italy. I mean, what the fuck? No wonder they're not here stealing more than just diamonds from our people. I say 'Fuck'em!'”

As he signaled, his compatriots nodded blankly at the cameras, as they could not understand him. Fortunately, a valuable metal has just been found in North Africa, and so our surly African neighbors will be paid a visit very, very soon.

China Bio-Engineers Peasantry

Decades of the euthanization of female babies in China heralds in a new race of genetically engineered and potentially dangerous Superpeasant, who is allegedly more shiftless and plaintive than ordinary peasants. Most of these lazy ne'er-do-wells are discovering a kind of "special friendship" in a park in the center of Beijing. Ladies fashion, however, has not been so lucky. Cosmologists have been hardest hit. "We can't even find jobs in make-up consulting, so we're being forced to move on to massage parlors in Thailand."

Motor City Goes Fast Food

"Laid off" Detroit Motor City workers are being retrained and employed as food technicians. Mrs. Maria Gonzalez says,“Why are these workers leaving their jobs because they've had too much sex? They should just stay there to be with their families. I go to church every Sunday and I know if you pray hard enough, the Lord will get you your job back! My sister Maria worked at McDonald's, and she was laid off for having an affair with her boss. She prayed, and 3 days later she got another job at a different McDonalds. She says her new boss is cute! See? You can get what you want if you pray hard enough, and Jesus thinks you are a good person.” Unfortunately, once hired, the workers were immediately laid off because local people did not have any money to buy fast food.

Movie Catch Phrases Cowardly

Catch phrases from older major motion action/ adventure pictures once heralded as clever and empowering are today considered cowardly and self-aggrandizing. “I recall using 'Make my day,' and 'I'll be back' on a number of occasions when my boss got all uppity with me,” remarks one man, now dying of prostate cancer. “Now I wished I had just been man enough to massage my prostate to have prevented it.” On the lighter side of things, his wife has commented on how happy she is she won't have to hear phrases like that anymore very, very soon. Movie moguls have since found out about the incidents and have launched a full-scale lawsuit against the man for trademark infringement.

Mom Discovers Internet

A middle-aged mother of five on welfare has discovered the Internet. “When my oldest came home with a computer he had beaten out of a client who owed him money, I didn't know what to expect at first. I'm so used to being on the other side of the screen, people telling me I'm not qualified for this, or I can't have this-or-that amount of money. Now I've discovered I can get credit cards, shop on-line, and even get movies and music—and it's all free!”

Epicanthal folds cause “China Driving”

Epicanthal folds are proving to be a leading cause in what Asians are calling “China driving.”
“We're outraged at these Asians who think they can accrue family honor points by driving so carefully. We've had enough!” says one Hiragana Matsumoto. “I speed, cut people off, and shout obscenities on a regular basis to combat the absurdity of it all.” Opposers like Hiragana, to decry this dreaded disease, are applying “no china drivers” stickers on their rear car windshields to discourage such nervous and dangerously overcautious driving.

Recumbent Exorcism Priests

In order to bring people back to the church, Father John-Paul Demarchos has been performing exorcisms on his own exercise bicycle. “Not only should these people fear larger thighs and tummies, they should also fear hell. And with recumbent exorcisms, they can come back again and again after only days of wage slavery and environmental plundering to renew their bond with God."
"People think that salvation just happens," he adds," but without proper exercise, you are lost."

Adolescent “Pwned”

An adolescent girl from Chicago, Il, has overused pwned so repeatedly that she was beaten to death by her friends. “She just wouldn't shut up. We'd play a video game, she'd say it. We'd go to the mall, she'd say it. We'd go swimming, she'd say it. We had to put a stop to it,” says one of her friends, her identity withheld because she is a minor. “I don't know what to say,” remarks her boyfriend of 3 years, a senior at Chicago University. “She'd put out on a regular basis because I bought beer for us all the time. What am I going to do for sex now? I'm devastated.”