Religious Zealotry Tied To Religious Zealots

A recent study of zealotry has been tied to religious zealots. “Once we had the data in, we knew we had our man,” expounds one scientist. “We cornered him in the alley behind a 7-11, numbers very close to 9-11, and beat him mercilessly until he admitted to being a religious zealot.”
The guilty party, Reginald Faltress, in a pool of his own filth and blood, exclaimed, “I just wanted to get a Slurpee. I've been here all day peddling, and I wasn't even going to buy liquor with the money. Now they made me drop my Slurpee, and I have no money to buy another one.” He began to weep. The scientists fled before they could respond to any more questions.

American Idol Concentration Camps

Millions of ignorant and maladjusted fans were delighted when they found out losing contestants on their favorite show, American Idol, were being interred in a camp outside Skokie, Ill. A spokesman for the camp cited that these inferior singers should not be a part of civilization, and luxuries like food, toilets, and running water be permitted infrequently, and with much consternation.

“I am tired of these swineheimers thinking they can get away with pulling the wool over the eyes of the American public, people who are very discerning and particular about their artistic, and musical tastes. Look at the National Endowment For the Arts. It's enough to fuel a small country. People can do what they want, when they want with those monies, and to waste such prime advertising money on people who claim they can sing, but can't; well, we have a solution for it, a final solution.”
Home Depot is donating thousands of cubic feet of Lime, IBM is donating millions of Hollerith punch cards, Hallmark and Costco are donating 6% of every purchase you make to this very worthy cause.

Holy Water Contains Stem Cells

Holy water blessed by priests has been found to actually contain stem cells. This was a shocking revelation to the church, as they had been told two millennia ago by Fr. Natas that the water he first baptized would not have stem cells, ever.

A young college student in front of the Vatican was asked about this, and she responded, “I don't have time for you right now. I have friends I'm meeting later, and I need to pickpocket some tourists for drink money. The two abortions I had are already gone. If you want stem cells, go to a lab.” The Vatican has not responded to her comments, but a local reporter filming her has since misplaced his wallet.

Laws Inapplicable To Ordinary Citizens

In a strange twist of fate, the same secret laws that politicians and corporations use to make ordinary laws inapplicable to them has been leaked by a 12 year old boy, looking for preteen Asian porn and ending up on a CIA website used to track pedophiles. Once the boy was arrested for leaking such sensitive data the boy then hacked into a police station computer after distracting an officer by crying for his mommy, booked himself a flight to the Kremlin, changed medical prescriptions for his state representatives, and canceled every major credit card of all officers in the precinct where he was held, citing “deceased” as the justification to the credit companies. When finally reached for comment over Greenland, he responded via the airplane's communication equipment to an air traffic controller in the Philippines.

"Well, I didn't bother with the smaller credit cards, because they don't have enough pull to form death squads; or, for that matter, create an FBI to help run their show. The smaller credit card companies may well be a viable business in our free-market economy.”
Authorities have since given up on searching for the boy as their cell phones no longer have signal, but continue to randomly ring “The Fat Albert” theme song.

Kibbles N' Bits

As we all know, plastic is a substance that is not native to our planet. Over time, perhaps hundreds of thousands of years, it eventually breaks down, animals ingest it, and it kills them. The animal decomposes, and the substance goes on to kill again. This has horrified environmentalists, who claim plastic is like Bob from Twin Peaks, asserting to “Kill and kill again.”
But futurists predict a new wave of super species capable of adapting to this new addition to their environment. Fish will be born with plastic harnesses to allow other animals who eat them to pick them up and make consumption easier. Eggs will be laid in either 6, 12, or sets of 24; lastly, what scientists are calling a “case.”
Plastic spoons will be utensils for apes, who will be dining on their inferior cousins, the homo sapien sapien, who by this time, will devolve into a gelatinous and hideous Gollum-like dessert delicious to most mammals.

Blank DVD Sales Plummet

Blank DVD sales have come crashing down this holiday season due to the Big Five movie companies claiming, “We're bigger than Jesus.”
When asked about this, one Pakistani cab driver replied, “I don't know, who are the Big Five Anyway? And who gives a shit if they're bigger than Jesus? He was just a disciple like so many others, like Mohammad.”
A homeless man on the street, who began to urinate on the laconic cab driver's tire exclaimed, “DVD's came from aliens, and don't you think I don't know it!” The cab driver responded by taking a tire iron from behind his seat, chased the homeless man down a nearby alley and screamed, “I'll kill you you motherfucker for pissing on my car!”
The Big Five has yet to respond to either of their detractor's claims, but reports have been pouring in of people who have illegally downloaded movies on their computers taking their computer tower outside and in a fit of rage setting fire to it.

Logos Replace Holy Relics

The Logo has replaced the religious icon, or protective magic charm, says Neocon IT consultants from Silicon Valley. “We discovered that people no longer believe in their religions, citing they are outdated, and have no software equivalent or high-end hardware assigned to them,” says one janitor working for Intel, on his lunch break. “Our Logo has replaced the need for any other medallion, or secondary relic; that is, an ordinary relic that has been touched by a holy relic.”
His boss quipped shortly, “He's partially right, but what do you expect from a GED-equivalent colleague? What's really happening here is we are redefining meaning, that old meanings attached to these outdated religions can no longer exist in a world of bar codes. If we can't scan it, it means nothing. Our new chip set will prove that, and eviscerate any Jihad that gets in our way.” Those who cannot afford these treasured icons on electronic relics have taken to purchasing secondary relics on the black market.

PTA Addendum: High School Still Boring

Per PTA mandated snooping and busybody involvement, several students were asked about their experiences at high school, and it turns out it has been boring since the 1980's. “Sure, we had the Trenchcoat Mafia, but that was more like a band—with guns. I mean, it's like our dads would have done that shit if they were younger and looked like a Goth Duran Duran. What? Shut up dad—I said SHUT IT YOU FUCKER!”

Another student remarked, “But er, yeah, at least you could do drugs in school, and spike oranges with Vodka and stuff. No one even wants to do that anymore. Freshman hazing—it's all gone. I don't really have a reason to go anymore. And I'm not driving my sister to the dentist either, so you can fuck off and tell dad he's right to divorce you.”

As the graph elucidates, the lower the truancy, the higher the boredom. -10% of the students said they would return to school if they got pregnant or an STD, 43.9% claimed school was enough to make them feel worthless, and unaccepted, and a whopping 5% said they'd return to school from juvenile detention if there was a forced sex room somewhere in the school. When mentally challenged students are added to this graph, however, the entire graph falls apart and we are left wondering why we have failed our children.

Coveting “Passé and Cowardly”

More and more Americans are considering that coveting the things of others is passé and completely unnecessary. “Nobody has any good stuff anymore. Besides, I'm worth more than trying to get someone else's shit,” says Amanda Silversmith, mother of five. “I've got too much laundry to do to worry about stealing crap that isn't even worth my time. Most of it's made in China anyway.”

A detractor of this new zeitgeist is General William Farnsworth. “Why the fuck are we using corporations to take over the Middle East if it isn't to get their shit? Besides that, if I see some hottie my buddy is married to, I'm sure as hell gonna try and tap that sweet ass, Rohypnol or not.” The General added, “And if some faggoty nelly has a hot ass that needs to be taught a lesson you can be damned sure me and my buddies are gonna see to it that homo knows his place by breeding his hole and letting him know we white males aren't gonna take any more of this ethnic one-world bullshit anymore.” A notable sociologist could not be reached for comment.

The Amazing Stroke

Brother and sister team Nick and Starr, the winners of The Amazing Race 13, were exposed by an anonymous blogger on an undisclosed website for making love right on the final pit stop mat when they discovered they had won the race.
“Hair and semen were flying everywhere,” claims the blogger. The brother and sister Uberracers blame the Uberliberal fare at VooDoo Donuts for casting a love spell on them to commit a hate crime more egregious than having watched The Amazing Race. “It must be the unlucky race 13,” commented one of the winners.
The blogger, however drunk he was, claimed it must have happened because he was masturbating to the show as it aired thinking about the business guy with the backpack who gave directions to Nick and Starr in Portland who's face was never shown. He believes Sauron is to blame, but isn't sure because he can't remember when he last dosed with magic mushrooms.

Shootin' People Inadvertently Causes Prayer

A man who regularly goes out shooting random homeless people while drunk has found the church. “I've discovered that when I get drunk and shoot people, my quality of life has been severely spiritually compromised. That's when I found the church, and and it has given me a new lease on life. I just bought a big screen TV, 1080p to be exact, so now I can watch the TMZ. I also started cutting my lawn, which I hadn't done in years. Prayer has helped me seek forgiveness for all the sins I have committed." A reporter asked him, “Has this change affected you going out and shooting at people?” He responded, “Oh no, I just don't feel so bad about it anymore.”

Olympic Fever Kills Millions Worldwide

The U.N. is outraged at the number of deaths every fours years due not to hurricanes, droughts, or earthquakes, but from Olympic Fever.

“We just don't understand how people can watch hundreds of hours of television for days on end without drinking, sleeping, or even masturbating,” said a member of the Olympic committee. “We don't have to worry about people in China not being able to breathe in Beijing and suing us, as most of the lawsuits are domestic and not subject to international law. International laws we ignore, but our domestic laws we cannot fiscally be expected to fulfill. It's just getting too expensive nowadays to pay politicians and judges off.”

One young girl's mother sued on the grounds that watching the ice skating championships gave her daughter pneumonia, and she is demanding two gallons of paint and an Ikea computer desk to make her deceased daughter's cluttered hovel into a computer room.

Desperate Governance

Washington legislators started off the week by jumping the shark as seen on Desperate Housewives. One politician remarked, “I was watching the show, and then thought, 'What the fuck?', How come it's five years later?”
His colleague remarked, “They're 'jumping the shark.' It was coined when Happy Days was hemorrhaging viewers so they adopted a clever scheme to have Fonzie jump the shark and save the plummeting show.” “Hey, we should do that with congress and the senate, because no one is paying attention to laws anymore, because they're boring and don't let people do anything.”

Following this brief landmark conversation, the house and senate will pass a bill to push time forward five years, just to see what will happen. People will feel uncomfortable in the future, and will go back in time before the event horizon of the decision of the two houses, and before Desperate Housewives will air to save all humanity.
They will, perhaps, be reading this news article sometime in the near future, unless a paper boy in a DeLorean drunkenly swervedrives by and lobs it at their sprinklers.

Christians Aid AIDS Gays Adopt

Fundamentalist Christians are helping men who have been punished by God with the HIV virus adopt moderately adorable ethnic orphans to take care of them as they waste away--thusly providing the neglected orphans something constructive to do before they enter the penal system or fast-food industry as young adults, and to provide the withering sodomites more time to contemplate an eternity in Hell.

China Swamped with Cheap Merchandise

Over the last several years the people of China have noticed every time they go to the store they turn over a product and see a “Made in America” stamp on it. “It's always the cheap stuff,” says Qui- Chang Wang. “I fear for my children that one day our country will be overrun with these poorly-made and sometimes dangerous products. They're made with little concern for the environment.” As experts probed deeper, they also discovered the country had been inundated with American flags, for which they have no logical response.

Corporate Supersperm

A new type of Übersperm has been introduced into Eastern European populations to combat the victimization they're felt since losing the war. “I don't even know how I got this,” remarks one man. “I've always shuttered away the past, and tried to make a new future, but to no avail.” A Psychologist from the University of Gdansk commented on the unique new methodology. “If we give our countrymen facials on a daily basis, they'll be more likely to feel like they have a purpose and begin repopulating just by the sheer magnitude of what they will be swallowing in the process.” Veterans seem to be the most excited about this ingenious new medical breakthrough.

Belgians Discover Chocolate

In a recent shocking discovery made by vacationing Californians, Belgians can no longer conceal the fact that they did indeed discover chocolate, ignoring former claims made by South American Countries that it was first discovered there. Belgians further accuse South America for passing Bat guano, or bat dung, as authentic Belgian chocolate, as it had once hornswaggled the American soft drink company Coca-Cola with the same ruse. Coca-Cola has refused to comment on the South Americans pulling the wool over their eyes, and say they only use natural, chemical additives to their soft drinks now per American Medical Association standards for promoting gut rot, and intestinal trauma requiring eventual medical care.

Liverpudlians Revive Docks

Scallies from across the globe have banded together in droves to combat their city's depressed economy by reviving Liverpool's dwindling docks through slavery. “We've never tried this before, but we're willing to give it a go!” chortled Reginald Wayne-corkhill. Several young lads and work-free pensioners were on hand to give reporters a Princess Anne “peace sign.” Penny Lane, a slave-merchant who has been doing business for over two hundred years noted,”Did you spill my pint, m8?”

Asian Food Flair

Asians not only have a flair for mathematics, but seem to also have a flair for cooking--brought to our country in the name of good food, served quickly. “We know Americans like out-of-the-ordinary foods, so we've flown in Asian delicacies like carrots and MSG from the Orient to your fine country. These are things math-challenged Americans know nothing about,” says Cambodian entrepreneur John Wilkinson. “Though I was born in Virginia, I've always found myself to be Asian, and living there for two weeks has really, I believe, brought me closer to the people. These simple people will be providing the food my corporation will be introducing in malls across America, so we might know the shiftiness and craftiness of another culture.”

iPAQS Strafe Iraq

Stronger than a barrage of anti-terrorist missiles launched at a Halliburton toy factory, Hewlett-Packard has launched the new iPAQ like a sandstorm of western infidels across the squalid Iraqi desert. Several Bedouins were asked to preview the launch.
“Well, it's name is not unlike the iPhone, is it not?” Another commented, “I think they made this phone just like the name of our country, but without the line under the letter P in iPAQ. And what is this gibberish on the keypad? It's not even in a language or alphabet we can use.”
HP marketers laughed sheepishly, and UN forces quickly whisked the men off to be detained for suspected terrorist activity.