Racist Humor “Not Funny” Anymore

Racist humor has been discovered to be “not as funny” as earliest sociologists predicted. “We first thought it was a way of one group or race to bond better with one another, through hate crimes, and graffiti, phone threats and state laws,” says one slightly interested scientist. “ It seemed like it would really work. It turns out it just really pisses everyone off.”

That's Incredible! Not really incredible

After thirty years of studies costing roughly twenty million dollars, the hit television show of the 70's, That's Incredible!, Turns out to not really be that incredible after all, and thousands of lawsuits launched against the parent company still owning the rights to the show are pouring in from all corners of the globe. Viewers in Uzbekistan seem to be the hardest hit.
One mother of three comments. “It's totally ridiculous. Their hair styles are from the 70's, there is far too much smiling, and far too much inexplicable and thoughtless laughter.”

Pleidians Attack!

Scientists discover an alien race, the Pleidians, are here not to offer their advanced way of life to us, but to steal our information about the universe!

“We spoke to several people who wear those metal pyramids on their heads, and confirmed through their second-hand data that the Pleidians are indeed trying to steal our information. The information comes to us through our electronics and computers as infotainment, or advertising. It's scientifically calibrated to make us interested in home shopping channels, and the news."

"Luckily, spam, blogs, and text messaging has thwarted their efforts so far by clogging their data stream so completely the only thing they have been able to take control of are the world's governments and leaders; which, due to the advent of LCD and Plasma screens no one seems to be paying attention to anymore anyway. “

Yuppies Adopt for Gifts/Attention

Young professional couples who cannot care for a child through to adulthood are adopting HIV infected orphans from third world countries. John and Jane Abernathy are one such couple.
“They're just so adorable, and thanks to the HIV virus, we'll always remember them that way.” Jane teared briefly, while John glanced up from his iPhone.
“When Mbutu passed away last fall, it was so incredible to have the outpouring of love from total strangers. We got time off work, we got cash, and gifts from people we didn't even know. We got so many Starbucks gift cards we started auctioning them on eBay. The best thing after the tragedy was to know we could have another child so quickly if we decided not to go on vacation.”

“That sounds really rough. But, let me ask you, would you adopt another HIV positive infant again?”
“Well, if there's one thing we've learned from the experience is you don't want to adopt until they become seriously ill, otherwise it could be decades before you have free time again. ”

Men Spite Women “But Good”

More and more men are having sex with other men out of spite, because women are refusing to sleep with them. When asked, one fraternity brother from the University of Wisconsin comments. “It's just easier to get drunk and have some fag blow you while you watch straight porn than to try and jump through all the hoops just to get a bad blowjob, or none at all at the end of the night. And they're free!” When asked for comment, one woman replied,”If he's not going to let me super-size it, there's no reason I should go out of my way to swallow something that tastes like Brie.”

“Ugly Betty” Election Fraud

Hilda Suarez, from the famed television hit show Ugly Betty, was taken into custody today after violating California Elections Code section 18521 (b), a law designed to stop people from being bribed with alcohol, food, or money. She wantonly, and without disregard for her paying customers, gave a 10% discount on slutty Brooklyn hairstyles to people “who had their stickers that they voted” on. In her defense, she retorted, “Oh no you di'n't! Starbucks is doing it, and you better call'em be-tch or I'm going ape-shape on your ass!”

When reached for comment Starbucks reminded authorities they did not require the sticker, and stated all people had to say was,”I voted,” so they weren't violating any law, but trying to excite and support the democratic process. Thousands of people filed lawsuits today in civil court against Starbucks who had gotten free cups of coffee but had lied to get them, as they didn't feel voting was actually worth a cup of crappy coffee, and therefore assert Starbucks was slandering their good names for making them lie, and drink their coffee.

Note: The editor of this article has since been sued by all parties for libel, and when court documents were received he ejaculated on them, shoved them in his mouth, and shouted with a muffled tone, “Festival! Festival!”

Voting “Counts”

When people saw the “voting day” banner on Google's search engine this morning, they came out in throngs; it was a day where people thought their vote finally counted, even though they knew nothing of the issues or measures on the ballots.

In Long Beach, Ca. curtains were removed from the voting booths, and bystanders were allowed to wander in and glance over the shoulders of voters, offering advice and critiques on ballot measures. Juanita Esperanza was there.

"Everyone was very nice. They told me what the measures meant, and then how to vote. When these men in dark suits even ticked the boxes for me, I felt like finally my vote counted. And I'm not even a citizen of the U.S.!”

However, some people were not so lucky, as intoxicated homeless people peppered some voting locations, pointing and laughing at voters, asking for spare change and exposing their genitalia. “I personally put a stop to that in my district myself,” said Chamber of Commerce member Alexis Winters from Garden Grove, Ca. “We closed the polling booths, had the police come in and beat the homeless back into the alleys, and I personally had to fill out thousands upon thousands of ballots myself. But I'm a proud member of this city, and I'm willing to do that. I voted for the candidates and issues clearly likely to win.” No one seemed to mind.

Assassination is “Passé”

Hitmen have been found to be lackadaisical in their approach to modern assassinations. "Realistically we don't have the time nor effort to put into an assassination these days. Too many electronic and surveillance devices are preventing us from doing our job.” The Guild of Assassins has not commented yet, but several reporters who had been investigating this case are unaccounted for.

Boozy Brit Stabs Olympic flag Bearer

Horatio Chumley-Warner, from Watford, England, stumbled out of the bleachers of the 2008 Olympics and allegedly slashed at a female Croatian flag bearer with a broken beer bottle, calling her a bitch, and ranting that she stole some money from him. He was given more beer, and a Croatian flag which he later urinated on. A group of his intoxicated countrymen cheered him on, subsequently commenting how they though it was part of the opening ceremony.

Supreme Court Gag Order

The Supreme court handed down a landmark gag order on intoxicated heterosexual men that perform fellatio on other men either for money or approval. All other occurrences are to be considered incidental in nature with regards to performing same-sex acts of fellatio merely for pleasure. Bisexual men remain unaffected by this gag order.

Plantronics Releases Ebonics Headset

Plantronics is releasing an Ebonics bluetooth headset for cellular phones. This new headset allows the suburban user to modify their speech via their cellular phone into Ebonics, so uneducated felons on the other side can understand them. The most riveting feature is it works both ways, so American businessmen can finally communicate with the rap artists they are economically taking advantage of.

The Walking Dead

Halloween is the one time of year where the demons of wealthy white businessmen may roam freely upon the earth, privatizing what they will. But businessmen of today are no longer carrying shrunken ethnic baby heads or their mother's teeth in a small satchel inscribed with a pentagram as the chic days of yesteryear, they're finding modern ways of parading their wares: Ping Zing golf clubs host the Army Of Darkness, gold tipped walking sticks whipping boys, and top hats like the guy from monopoly wears conceal The Spiders From Mars. This season's must-haves adorn their horrific frames, wasted from years of wanton disregard and nagging demands upon a society ill-equipped to outsource them. When asked about this trend, one man puzzled, “But how is this different from any other time of year?”

Italian Nun Boasts Christ's Stigmata

A young Italian Nun boasts that she has Christ's stigmata. “I don't have it on my hands or feet, but blood gushes from between my legs.” A local priest comments on the miracle. “This isn't an everyday occurrence, but monthly perhaps at best. Several days before the occurrence she has terrible abdominal pain. She is showing extraordinary bravery in the face of this holy adversity.” Hispanic women the world over rally to her bedsit with prayers of support.

Stress Diamonds Cause Psychotropic Skyrocket

Stress diamonds are proving to be a boon to the psychiatric pharmaceutical industry. One psychologist cautions against these miracle medications, however, saying with regards to the stress diamonds to “Simply take them off.”

Infants “Dumb and Dumberer”

In a recent survey, infants have been found to be the stupidest people on the planet. One scientist remarks,“If we didn't have their younger brothers and sisters for stem cell research, I say euthanize the lot of them!” People are taking to the streets as blue collar crime soars due to these uneducated ne'er-do-wells.

On a related note, more and more potential parents are scrapping the idea of having children. One man explains, "We can't possibly go out for a business dinner without the neediness and constant supervision. It also irritates everyone." His wife chimed in, citing, "My breasts are for the enjoyment of my husband and his business associates, and not for some whiny little brat who can't even feed itself."

Toxic Food Dyes Found To Be "Adorable"

Toxic artificial juice and punch dyes have been proven to look “cute” on children. When Mrs. Abernathy's Son took ill due to the cancer caused by toxic food colorings, she had no choice but to give him toxic food colorings to lift his spirits.“My son's cancer was caused by those dyes, but look at that smile!”

Lead Holiest of All the Metals

The Vatican released a statement today claiming lead to be the holiest of all the metals. When asked when WWJD (What Would Jesus Do?) necklaces fashioned from lead began making people deathly ill, The Vatican responded, “Wearing lead tests your faith in Jesus.”

American Idol Fights Back

After far too much money from American Idol Cares was distributed to the needy and destitute in Africa, American Idol has launched a smear campaign against the poverty-stricken ethnic majorities of several African nations, claiming the money was unnecessarily used for food and medicine.

Shellfish L'Chaim!

Orthodox Jewish people today are eating more and more shellfish, a new study reports. When asked to comment, one Orthodox mensch exclaims, “I just don't give a shit anymore, and fuck that two-plate bullshit too. I can't be bothered to do that many dishes—It's fucking exhausting.”

Non-Orthodox Jewish people are quickly following suit, claiming, “Well, we kinda weren't really into the religion anymore anyway.”

Gay Adult Film Star “Battered”

A gay pornographic film star was battered with “loads of jizz” in the upcoming sequel to Cum Facials 3. “I was simply shocked when it happened,” claims the befuddled film star. “I thought they were going to use mayonnaise, or hand lotion. It was as if I had gone out to vote, and this was just as terrifying.”

When asked about his HIV status, the boybitch responded, "I already have 3 strains of the HIV virus in me, but to add another would compromise my quality of life, and I demand compensation.”

He was given a bottle of poppers, several cans of Pepsi with doses of the drug GHB in them, popular in the gay community, and a year's subscription to pozzingnegzholez.com.