Washington Found To Have Been A Woman

In recent years students at Columbine University have discovered through damming forensic evidence that George Washington was actually a woman.
"We now know why he had such liberal policies such as wanting slave freedom while at the same time keeping slaves himself. He was a tranny of the highest degree."
Other reports claim he would dress as a woman in order to perform duties for his field lieutenants, one after another. "We came to this conclusion as his old field jacket was riddled with copious amounts of ejaculate, and none of it his own."
Cigars vaginal secretions were found inside the coat pocket as well. Those vaginal secretions contained his DNA. "The only conclusion we can come to is the father of our country wanted not only to introduce a free state to the world, but also free love."
In addition to this, the students discovered he had removable wooden teeth; which, only women at that time had because their masters would not allow them embedded teeth, for obvious reasons.