The End is Nigh--Repent, Repent!

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"If you're not getting enough market share, you're not drawing enough blood."

ICANT DNS Services Only Online Escorts

Hookers will be glad to know they have finally been given their day. Sex addict and multi-billionaire Rex Bartiones has finally mandated his subsidiary ICANT be the proving ground for sex care providers world-wide, catering to even those who desire inter generational relationships, much like the one he has with 13 year-old transgendered lad Consuela Hernandez of Brigada Callejera, a sex workers' and transgender rights organization in Mexico City.

The boy was handed over to him after a weekend fiesta he put together for children's rights organizations in the nation's capital. Women who run BC commented on his generosity.

"He made it clear to us we would not get retroviral drugs, or any money without the boy's assent." Rex stumbled into one of the women, took the microphone in his hand, and gurgled, "Hell yeah it was worth it, I spent over $200 on this party!"

Microsoft Gives 250K Reward

Microsoft last week claimed it's offering a $250,000 reward for information that leads to the arrest of the motherfucker responsible for creating the Conficker internet worm that has fucked-up millions of PCs. Norton Anti-Virus was there to comment.

"We don't know who it is, wink-wink, nudge-nudge, but we do know it's not some fumbling bloatware, malware, or spyware software developer whose virus leaves such a huge footprint you have to upgrade your RAM just to keep your hard drive from crashing. Why would a company like that introduce a virus, even though they're the only ones who have the solution, and only for a price, wink-wink, nudge-nudge?" Microsoft had been contacted for a comment on Norton's position, but access to their online help desk returned a Denial Of Service page.

Dating On The Skids

It turns out dating is not as popular as it once was, due to the liquor drenched Blues and Jazz clubs scattered across the U.S. like fermented corn from an angry bull's rectum. Bill Fremont, from Baton Rouge, LA, comments.
"Every single time I went out to one of those clubs, I ended up getting Chlamydia, Syphilis, or some other STD from some drunk woman or man. I ended up going out just to drink because I was afraid I wouldn't even enjoy jacking off for the next couple weeks because of a urethral infection, so I decided to stay home, drink, and go on the internet.
I found I didn't even care anymore if the person on the other end was a woman or not. Hell, Chicks with dicks got the best of everything, cause either way yer fucked."
College Youths have ignored this wisdom, and continue to populate seedy blues and jazz knockoff clubs to "Get their fill."

Socialism At An All-Time High

Buddhism has been slowly traveling the planet, finding a new home every 500 years. It took 500 years for it to find it's way from India to China, another 500 to Japan, and now 500 more to America. However, Socialism has found it's way to America merely 75 years after it's introduction into China and The Russian Federation.
"There can only be one reason for this: it makes sense," says Harvard Law graduate John Mulchony. "I discovered I don't have to live in poverty, giving up all material things, nor do I have to work for them with my law degree. I'm just waiting for people to get pissed off enough to march into rich homes, execute wealthy families, and take their shit." His father, CFO of Price-Pfizer, was not available for comment.

Landlords On The Rise

What would you do with a WHOLE million dollars? Why, rent out the home you couldn't afford for 1.2 millions dollars to tenants who will, eventually, steal your television, the bathroom and kitchen fixtures, and your dog, a new study shows.
"People have decided it's easier to actually buy a home and default on the mortgage shortly after just to have somewhere to live while six other family members work at Taco Bell, taking home food just to survive," claims a respondent from HUD to the question "What would you do with a millions dollars?"
"After taxes, surcharges, and fees, the million dollars actually turns out to be only about $15,000; which is, of course, above poverty level, so they will have to pay taxes on that $15,000. Th solution is to rent out the home you've bought, and live on the street until the tenants pay off your mortgage; unless, of course, they make off with the fixtures..."

Hubble Crater Sues Hubble Telescope.

Hubble is actually a lunar crater that lies very near the east-northeastern section of the Moon, with a colongitude of 275° at sunrise. For years it has been ignored, but not today. A Lawyer for the ignored crater has responded to claims that the Hubble Telescope did egregiously and with malice steal the Hubble name from it when Hubble took flight in April of 1990, citing it had more claim because it was more famous. "This case has more clout than when the WWF, now the WWE, or World Wrestling Entertainment, then known as World Wrestling Federation, tried to steal the name of the World Wildlife Fund; who, in return, rallied all the animals of the world to perform a major souplex on the WWE it has yet to recover from."
A spokesman for the Hubble Telescope guffawed, "If you think that pansy-assed crater of yours has more claim to the name 'Hubble,' then tell your fuckwit crater to come get it!" News sources have been ashamed to print anything on the matter, but the Associated Press has several hundred freelance journalists on the story.

Irish Scribes Ignore Potato Surplus

Anglo-Irish playwrights and social thinkers are not eating as many potatoes as people had been asserting for years. "The weird thing is they've been drinking themselves into a stupor and committing acts of buggery. We're not sure what relevance they can have being bombed all the time, but they seem to do it in spades." When asked what was referred to as 'relevance,' the source claimed, "Oh not for writing, for buggery."

Sun's Corona Pissed Off

The Sun's Corona has been pissed off for years, claim futurists. "It has been flaring out more and more as of late, like a baboon in estrus, or the splayed-out hole of a go-go boy at a sex club around 3 am after everyone's had their turn," says neophyte James Adler of the University of The Midwest.
"Any more shit from the people of earth, and that sucker is going ballistic like an inverted sea cucumber, spitting out corn and any other fiber it's been ingesting for a thousand millennium. " The sun itself isn't even sure why it's corona has bee misbehaving, but inside sources say it's because people have been worshiping the sun more and more, and ignoring it's more beautiful features, like it's corona.
"We know one thing, if it gets any angrier, everyone's getting corned."

Wikipediaphiles Encouraged

Wikipedia has finally opened it's doors to researching pedophilia. "We weren't sure about our decision in the beginning, but once we knew the posted images of nude children weren't going to fall into the hands of perverts and queers, we were decided."
A Spokesman for NAMBLA, the North American Man Boy Love Association, has responded to their decision by saying, "Of course we wouldn't go there looking for images of nude children, especially boys because there probably won't be any. Images of young boys, smooth boys, pre-pubescent boys. We want people to see us as human beings, not sex offenders. I mean, you take a piss in public and get caught, you're a sex offender. It's like that."
When informed that there would be images like that, The NAMBLA spokesman shuffled off with his laptop on hand to find a Starbucks with an open wifi connection.

Rhetoric On The Rise

A new language has been issued by the Department of Internal Affairs in order to deal with miscreants, and ne'er-do-wells in relationship to fundamentally dead issues like water, power, and housing. "Rhetoric," as it has been termed, is essentially the use of plain English to describe inane occurances, whose etymology can be traced back to the first caveman exclaiming, "Say WHAT?!" This new and improved jargon has replaced outright lying and disinformation, as once used by obsolete puppet regimes, tyrannies, and democracies.
When asked about this, several state representatives chimed in, claming rhetoric was for people who couldn't find a better way to get into someone's pants, and "the best way to do that is to produce a crisp Ben Franklin from your wallet."

Global Standards Collaboration Collapses

The GSC, or Global Standards Collaboration has collapsed under the weight of their members' inability to agree on what strip club to attend in Bangkok, Thailand.
"Every single fucking American wanted to go to a Thai ladyboy club in order to discuss globalized standards for the new world order. We're sick of it," says one disgruntled Japanese man of indeterminte vocation. "They think Asia is a place for what they call 'exotic' forms of sexual entertainment. It's not exotic, morons, you're just fucked-up puritans, and don't expect when you dump a load in some lady boy you're not as risk for HIV, because it's rampant because of idiots like you believing Jesus will save you from yourselves."
Americans were present, but most were either too drunk or too violent to interview. One American businessman stumbled up to the microphone, and chortled, "It's OK, they think we're taking them home to marry them."

TTC Under Fire For Banning Cell Phones

The TTC, or Telecommunication Technology Committee, established in 1985, has finally come to the conclusion cell phones are a waste of time. "We decided, after years of research no one, and we mean, no one, is important enough they need to use a phone away from home." Over the next few weeks cell phone signals will be disrupted, and in one month's time, all cell phones will cease to function.
"We decided to roll back the clock, and let people know those things are merely vanity items, like a Guido's gold necklace, or a Mercedes Benz emblem on an old Pinto. They never really worked well, and terrorists in the form of global corporations are charging people for something that literally, costs essentially nothing." Phuket Cellular will be first affected.

"Plane Stupid" On The Warpath

People against the introduction of planes to modern living are outraged. They have reacted by throwing pies, containers of their own blood, mixed with urine, vomit, and excrement at pilots, stewards and stewardesses, and mothers with babies boarding planes.

"We're not sure why they've chosen this time to do it. I mean, if they wanted to do it, they might have done something around the millennium, or even at some justifiable date like President's Day, or MLK Day, but this? It's just 'Plane Stupid.' The worst thing is they've attacked plane crash sites, and have thrown pies at dead bodies."

"If you think life can be this easy, you are sorely mistaken," claims one of the befuddled protesters. The pies were taken directly from the hands of starving third-world children.

Omar al-Bashir Goes Napster-Assed Ravy

The International Criminal Court issues an arrest warrant for President of Sudan Omar al-Bashir (pictured) on charges of listening to rave music during an AU Summit meeting, and crimes against humanity. At least 20 people were killed during a riot in Ciudad Juárez, Chihuahua, Mexico, when, in a drunken rage, he created a Sudanese form of Napster, claiming he had indeed invented it. His detractors, mostly RIAA employees, attacked him with bats and the occasional fire extinguisher. He responded by having the jackals drawn and quartered by several of his many show-grade stallions. To this day he remains at large, sporting a light blue tracksuit and waving glow sticks at his teen peers.

Voyager Copes With Stowaways

Several splinter groups from various electronic cultures have commandeered the Voyager 1 and 2 satellite probes. The news shocked the nation as it was just recovering the Heaven's Gate cult catching a ride on the Hale-Bopp comet, the group unable or unwilling to wait until the more popularized Haley's comet came near earth's orbit.
NASA spokesman commented, "We're not too worried about these young folks. Most of the electronics cannot be fashioned to make music, other than taking a stick to the inside of one of the crafts." He continued. "We are further confident none of these splinter groups will cause harm to the aforementioned crafts as they're all very very high on mind-altering substances like Ecstacy, and LSD." One stowaway was known to remark, "Woo-Hoo!" The stowaways have been surviving on freeze-dried ice cream, and Tang. No newsgroup has been created yet for these unfortunate victims of drug-induced technological miscreantism.

Washington Found To Have Been A Woman

In recent years students at Columbine University have discovered through damming forensic evidence that George Washington was actually a woman.
"We now know why he had such liberal policies such as wanting slave freedom while at the same time keeping slaves himself. He was a tranny of the highest degree."
Other reports claim he would dress as a woman in order to perform duties for his field lieutenants, one after another. "We came to this conclusion as his old field jacket was riddled with copious amounts of ejaculate, and none of it his own."
Cigars vaginal secretions were found inside the coat pocket as well. Those vaginal secretions contained his DNA. "The only conclusion we can come to is the father of our country wanted not only to introduce a free state to the world, but also free love."
In addition to this, the students discovered he had removable wooden teeth; which, only women at that time had because their masters would not allow them embedded teeth, for obvious reasons.

Chickens Discover Themselves Delicious!

Chickens have discovered that they themselves are delicious! Since ninety-five percent of Americans are vegetarians now, chicken producers around the United States have been feeding their chickens chickens in order to reduce costs. "We can't keep feeding them grains, as those have skyrocketed. We have to feed them themselves; and, since they multiply like rabbits, there seems no other way." A spokesman for the chicken community has released this statement:

"Any chicken caught eating another chicken will be put into an Iron Coop, and their entrails fed to their chicken brothers as punishment." Chickens in attendance of this "capital punishment" decreee to their dietary habits winced, then continued to reluctantly feast on their compadres.

AMA recalls cigars

The American Medical Association, in tandem with the American Psychiatric Association, has recalled millions of cigars, not on the grounds they cause cancer, but on the more dangerous grounds they make men feel like they have smaller penises than they actually do.
In addition to this, the AMA has mandated all heterosexual men stop smoking cigars, as it can lead to a desire to perform male-to-male fellatio. The cigars will be shortened for heterosexual men to not less than six inches; and in most cases, the cigars will be shortened to less than three inches for homosexual men who continue to smoke them like the world was coming to an end.
When asked about this clear disparagement in the sizes, a spokesman for Philip Morris claimed, "What? you want faggots to think they have bigger cocks than straight men? We already have that problem with deaf men."

Olympic News Weekly

The Olympic Committee has finally decided to launch it's own magazine, the content of which will feature the newest Olympic winners, Olympic hopefuls, and past winners. One of their previous multiple-gold winners was there to comment.
"Yeah, it's like, you know. They do stuff, and talk about the stuff we're doing. I mean, like swimming, and other stuff; you know, where you run and everything? I dunno, I mean it sounds cool and all. I kinda looked at the cover and stuff, and thought, 'Hey, I can back this.' So yeah, cheers, thanks a lot." He exhaled.
Other Olympic winners and hopefuls were not there to comment, but several media companies have already started negotiations, on shows like "Where are the Olympians now?" and "Behind the Olympians."