The Wrong Context - T-Shirts And Satire to De-Brand Yourself!

The End is Nigh--Repent, Repent!

2011-03-01T14:56:00.000-08:00

The Entertainment Is War Project is now closed. You may direct any further attention on www.thewrongcontext.com for all future communications.

"If you're not getting enough market share, you're not drawing enough blood."

ICANT DNS Services Only Online Escorts

2009-03-09T00:12:00.000-07:00

Hookers will be glad to know they have finally been given their day. Sex addict and multi-billionaire Rex Bartiones has finally mandated his subsidiary ICANT be the proving ground for sex care providers world-wide, catering to even those who desire inter generational relationships, much like the one he has with 13 year-old transgendered lad Consuela Hernandez of Brigada Callejera, a sex workers' and transgender rights organization in Mexico City.

The boy was handed over to him after a weekend fiesta he put together for children's rights organizations in the nation's capital. Women who run BC commented on his generosity.

"He made it clear to us we would not get retroviral drugs, or any money without the boy's assent." Rex stumbled into one of the women, took the microphone in his hand, and gurgled, "Hell yeah it was worth it, I spent over $200 on this party!"

Microsoft Gives 250K Reward

2009-03-08T00:00:00.000-08:00

Microsoft last week claimed it's offering a $250,000 reward for information that leads to the arrest of the motherfucker responsible for creating the Conficker internet worm that has fucked-up millions of PCs. Norton Anti-Virus was there to comment.

"We don't know who it is, wink-wink, nudge-nudge, but we do know it's not some fumbling bloatware, malware, or spyware software developer whose virus leaves such a huge footprint you have to upgrade your RAM just to keep your hard drive from crashing. Why would a company like that introduce a virus, even though they're the only ones who have the solution, and only for a price, wink-wink, nudge-nudge?" Microsoft had been contacted for a comment on Norton's position, but access to their online help desk returned a Denial Of Service page.

Dating On The Skids

2009-03-07T23:41:00.001-08:00

It turns out dating is not as popular as it once was, due to the liquor drenched Blues and Jazz clubs scattered across the U.S. like fermented corn from an angry bull's rectum. Bill Fremont, from Baton Rouge, LA, comments.
"Every single time I went out to one of those clubs, I ended up getting Chlamydia, Syphilis, or some other STD from some drunk woman or man. I ended up going out just to drink because I was afraid I wouldn't even enjoy jacking off for the next couple weeks because of a urethral infection, so I decided to stay home, drink, and go on the internet.
I found I didn't even care anymore if the person on the other end was a woman or not. Hell, Chicks with dicks got the best of everything, cause either way yer fucked."
College Youths have ignored this wisdom, and continue to populate seedy blues and jazz knockoff clubs to "Get their fill."

Socialism At An All-Time High

2009-03-06T23:35:00.000-08:00

Buddhism has been slowly traveling the planet, finding a new home every 500 years. It took 500 years for it to find it's way from India to China, another 500 to Japan, and now 500 more to America. However, Socialism has found it's way to America merely 75 years after it's introduction into China and The Russian Federation.
"There can only be one reason for this: it makes sense," says Harvard Law graduate John Mulchony. "I discovered I don't have to live in poverty, giving up all material things, nor do I have to work for them with my law degree. I'm just waiting for people to get pissed off enough to march into rich homes, execute wealthy families, and take their shit." His father, CFO of Price-Pfizer, was not available for comment.

Landlords On The Rise

2009-03-05T23:27:00.000-08:00

What would you do with a WHOLE million dollars? Why, rent out the home you couldn't afford for 1.2 millions dollars to tenants who will, eventually, steal your television, the bathroom and kitchen fixtures, and your dog, a new study shows.
"People have decided it's easier to actually buy a home and default on the mortgage shortly after just to have somewhere to live while six other family members work at Taco Bell, taking home food just to survive," claims a respondent from HUD to the question "What would you do with a millions dollars?"
"After taxes, surcharges, and fees, the million dollars actually turns out to be only about $15,000; which is, of course, above poverty level, so they will have to pay taxes on that $15,000. Th solution is to rent out the home you've bought, and live on the street until the tenants pay off your mortgage; unless, of course, they make off with the fixtures..."

Hubble Crater Sues Hubble Telescope.

2009-03-04T23:11:00.000-08:00

Hubble is actually a lunar crater that lies very near the east-northeastern section of the Moon, with a colongitude of 275° at sunrise. For years it has been ignored, but not today. A Lawyer for the ignored crater has responded to claims that the Hubble Telescope did egregiously and with malice steal the Hubble name from it when Hubble took flight in April of 1990, citing it had more claim because it was more famous. "This case has more clout than when the WWF, now the WWE, or World Wrestling Entertainment, then known as World Wrestling Federation, tried to steal the name of the World Wildlife Fund; who, in return, rallied all the animals of the world to perform a major souplex on the WWE it has yet to recover from."
A spokesman for the Hubble Telescope guffawed, "If you think that pansy-assed crater of yours has more claim to the name 'Hubble,' then tell your fuckwit crater to come get it!" News sources have been ashamed to print anything on the matter, but the Associated Press has several hundred freelance journalists on the story.

Irish Scribes Ignore Potato Surplus

2009-03-03T22:42:00.000-08:00

Anglo-Irish playwrights and social thinkers are not eating as many potatoes as people had been asserting for years. "The weird thing is they've been drinking themselves into a stupor and committing acts of buggery. We're not sure what relevance they can have being bombed all the time, but they seem to do it in spades." When asked what was referred to as 'relevance,' the source claimed, "Oh not for writing, for buggery."

Sun's Corona Pissed Off

2009-03-02T22:23:00.000-08:00

The Sun's Corona has been pissed off for years, claim futurists. "It has been flaring out more and more as of late, like a baboon in estrus, or the splayed-out hole of a go-go boy at a sex club around 3 am after everyone's had their turn," says neophyte James Adler of the University of The Midwest.
"Any more shit from the people of earth, and that sucker is going ballistic like an inverted sea cucumber, spitting out corn and any other fiber it's been ingesting for a thousand millennium. " The sun itself isn't even sure why it's corona has bee misbehaving, but inside sources say it's because people have been worshiping the sun more and more, and ignoring it's more beautiful features, like it's corona.
"We know one thing, if it gets any angrier, everyone's getting corned."

Wikipediaphiles Encouraged

2009-03-01T00:33:00.000-08:00

Wikipedia has finally opened it's doors to researching pedophilia. "We weren't sure about our decision in the beginning, but once we knew the posted images of nude children weren't going to fall into the hands of perverts and queers, we were decided."
A Spokesman for NAMBLA, the North American Man Boy Love Association, has responded to their decision by saying, "Of course we wouldn't go there looking for images of nude children, especially boys because there probably won't be any. Images of young boys, smooth boys, pre-pubescent boys. We want people to see us as human beings, not sex offenders. I mean, you take a piss in public and get caught, you're a sex offender. It's like that."
When informed that there would be images like that, The NAMBLA spokesman shuffled off with his laptop on hand to find a Starbucks with an open wifi connection.

Rhetoric On The Rise

2009-02-28T00:21:00.001-08:00

A new language has been issued by the Department of Internal Affairs in order to deal with miscreants, and ne'er-do-wells in relationship to fundamentally dead issues like water, power, and housing. "Rhetoric," as it has been termed, is essentially the use of plain English to describe inane occurances, whose etymology can be traced back to the first caveman exclaiming, "Say WHAT?!" This new and improved jargon has replaced outright lying and disinformation, as once used by obsolete puppet regimes, tyrannies, and democracies.
When asked about this, several state representatives chimed in, claming rhetoric was for people who couldn't find a better way to get into someone's pants, and "the best way to do that is to produce a crisp Ben Franklin from your wallet."

Global Standards Collaboration Collapses

2009-02-27T23:57:00.000-08:00

The GSC, or Global Standards Collaboration has collapsed under the weight of their members' inability to agree on what strip club to attend in Bangkok, Thailand.
"Every single fucking American wanted to go to a Thai ladyboy club in order to discuss globalized standards for the new world order. We're sick of it," says one disgruntled Japanese man of indeterminte vocation. "They think Asia is a place for what they call 'exotic' forms of sexual entertainment. It's not exotic, morons, you're just fucked-up puritans, and don't expect when you dump a load in some lady boy you're not as risk for HIV, because it's rampant because of idiots like you believing Jesus will save you from yourselves."
Americans were present, but most were either too drunk or too violent to interview. One American businessman stumbled up to the microphone, and chortled, "It's OK, they think we're taking them home to marry them."

TTC Under Fire For Banning Cell Phones

2009-02-26T23:37:00.000-08:00

The TTC, or Telecommunication Technology Committee, established in 1985, has finally come to the conclusion cell phones are a waste of time. "We decided, after years of research no one, and we mean, no one, is important enough they need to use a phone away from home." Over the next few weeks cell phone signals will be disrupted, and in one month's time, all cell phones will cease to function.
"We decided to roll back the clock, and let people know those things are merely vanity items, like a Guido's gold necklace, or a Mercedes Benz emblem on an old Pinto. They never really worked well, and terrorists in the form of global corporations are charging people for something that literally, costs essentially nothing." Phuket Cellular will be first affected.

"Plane Stupid" On The Warpath

2009-02-25T23:20:00.000-08:00

People against the introduction of planes to modern living are outraged. They have reacted by throwing pies, containers of their own blood, mixed with urine, vomit, and excrement at pilots, stewards and stewardesses, and mothers with babies boarding planes.

"We're not sure why they've chosen this time to do it. I mean, if they wanted to do it, they might have done something around the millennium, or even at some justifiable date like President's Day, or MLK Day, but this? It's just 'Plane Stupid.' The worst thing is they've attacked plane crash sites, and have thrown pies at dead bodies."

"If you think life can be this easy, you are sorely mistaken," claims one of the befuddled protesters. The pies were taken directly from the hands of starving third-world children.

Omar al-Bashir Goes Napster-Assed Ravy

2009-02-24T23:02:00.000-08:00

The International Criminal Court issues an arrest warrant for President of Sudan Omar al-Bashir (pictured) on charges of listening to rave music during an AU Summit meeting, and crimes against humanity. At least 20 people were killed during a riot in Ciudad Juárez, Chihuahua, Mexico, when, in a drunken rage, he created a Sudanese form of Napster, claiming he had indeed invented it. His detractors, mostly RIAA employees, attacked him with bats and the occasional fire extinguisher. He responded by having the jackals drawn and quartered by several of his many show-grade stallions. To this day he remains at large, sporting a light blue tracksuit and waving glow sticks at his teen peers.

Voyager Copes With Stowaways

2009-02-23T22:31:00.000-08:00

Several splinter groups from various electronic cultures have commandeered the Voyager 1 and 2 satellite probes. The news shocked the nation as it was just recovering the Heaven's Gate cult catching a ride on the Hale-Bopp comet, the group unable or unwilling to wait until the more popularized Haley's comet came near earth's orbit.
NASA spokesman commented, "We're not too worried about these young folks. Most of the electronics cannot be fashioned to make music, other than taking a stick to the inside of one of the crafts." He continued. "We are further confident none of these splinter groups will cause harm to the aforementioned crafts as they're all very very high on mind-altering substances like Ecstacy, and LSD." One stowaway was known to remark, "Woo-Hoo!" The stowaways have been surviving on freeze-dried ice cream, and Tang. No newsgroup has been created yet for these unfortunate victims of drug-induced technological miscreantism.

Washington Found To Have Been A Woman

2009-02-22T21:12:00.000-08:00

In recent years students at Columbine University have discovered through damming forensic evidence that George Washington was actually a woman.
"We now know why he had such liberal policies such as wanting slave freedom while at the same time keeping slaves himself. He was a tranny of the highest degree."
Other reports claim he would dress as a woman in order to perform duties for his field lieutenants, one after another. "We came to this conclusion as his old field jacket was riddled with copious amounts of ejaculate, and none of it his own."
Cigars vaginal secretions were found inside the coat pocket as well. Those vaginal secretions contained his DNA. "The only conclusion we can come to is the father of our country wanted not only to introduce a free state to the world, but also free love."
In addition to this, the students discovered he had removable wooden teeth; which, only women at that time had because their masters would not allow them embedded teeth, for obvious reasons.

Chickens Discover Themselves Delicious!

2009-02-21T20:59:00.000-08:00

Chickens have discovered that they themselves are delicious! Since ninety-five percent of Americans are vegetarians now, chicken producers around the United States have been feeding their chickens chickens in order to reduce costs. "We can't keep feeding them grains, as those have skyrocketed. We have to feed them themselves; and, since they multiply like rabbits, there seems no other way." A spokesman for the chicken community has released this statement:

"Any chicken caught eating another chicken will be put into an Iron Coop, and their entrails fed to their chicken brothers as punishment." Chickens in attendance of this "capital punishment" decreee to their dietary habits winced, then continued to reluctantly feast on their compadres.

AMA recalls cigars

2009-02-20T20:53:00.000-08:00

The American Medical Association, in tandem with the American Psychiatric Association, has recalled millions of cigars, not on the grounds they cause cancer, but on the more dangerous grounds they make men feel like they have smaller penises than they actually do.
In addition to this, the AMA has mandated all heterosexual men stop smoking cigars, as it can lead to a desire to perform male-to-male fellatio. The cigars will be shortened for heterosexual men to not less than six inches; and in most cases, the cigars will be shortened to less than three inches for homosexual men who continue to smoke them like the world was coming to an end.
When asked about this clear disparagement in the sizes, a spokesman for Philip Morris claimed, "What? you want faggots to think they have bigger cocks than straight men? We already have that problem with deaf men."

Olympic News Weekly

2009-02-19T00:01:00.000-08:00

The Olympic Committee has finally decided to launch it's own magazine, the content of which will feature the newest Olympic winners, Olympic hopefuls, and past winners. One of their previous multiple-gold winners was there to comment.
"Yeah, it's like, you know. They do stuff, and talk about the stuff we're doing. I mean, like swimming, and other stuff; you know, where you run and everything? I dunno, I mean it sounds cool and all. I kinda looked at the cover and stuff, and thought, 'Hey, I can back this.' So yeah, cheers, thanks a lot." He exhaled.
Other Olympic winners and hopefuls were not there to comment, but several media companies have already started negotiations, on shows like "Where are the Olympians now?" and "Behind the Olympians."

Scientists Live In "Filth"

2009-02-18T00:01:00.000-08:00

Thee first Large Hadron Collider (LHC) in the world beneath the Franco-Swiss border near Geneva, Switzerland, has been discovered to be a garbage scowl for scientists, one report states.

"They're been using the supercollider not for particle beams, but for pizza crusts, and empty boxes of wine," says one source. "Claims were being made that the serious fault of the project was due to two superconducting bending magnets, but we found rats and excrement in the accelerator that can only be described as disgusting. You won't find such filth in even the most rancid of Chinese restaurants in Los Angeles."
When asked about the charges of health safety the scientists responsible began dancing a jig to music that no one could hear.

Right-Wrong Radicals Form Star Chamber

2009-02-17T00:01:00.000-08:00

Right-Wrong radicals, sick and tired of rich people taking from the poor, and poor people taking from the rich, have decided to forgo currency altogether.
"We can't seem to agree on what to do with the bodies once the transformation has happened, but we know what to do with the world's currencies. They have little value anymore," Says one moderate woman from Portland, OR. "The main issue we have is to get anyone in our group to do anything. there's a lot of talk, and no action." One colleague of hers grunted, and went back to his early-morning nap, after being brought a cup of coffee, which he did not pay for.

Trains Proving Ground for Lads

2009-02-16T19:56:00.000-08:00

Trains have become a proving ground for serial rapists, says one Idaho reporter. "There seems to be no reason why drunk lads are carting anything with a pulse onto trains and feeding the fresh victims liquor and pills," says Bill Applegate. "I joined them once, and found that the next morning my mouth was frothing with some kind of chemical, and my ass was blown-out like a bullet exit wound."
He refused to comment on how many youngsters interviewed him. Several train carriers have begun marketing campaigns in order to bring more business to their lackadaisical and outdated lines. Several third world countries were contacted to provide cost-efficient service to these young men.

Nutters Gone Wild

2009-02-15T00:01:00.000-08:00

Red squirrels in the United Kingdom have all but gone extinct due to the unholy practices of Brown and Grey squirrels. These deadly creatures of the night have been plotting against their ill-equipped brothers for some time now, says one economist. "We noticed a change in their behavior since they started traveling in packs, sporting upside-down crosses on their tails, and reading the works of Anton Levay."
Children and priests, most likely seen as harmless, have been given rifles and lager to take care of the problem. Unfortunately, the children have turned on their parents, stolen family cars, and gathered at toy stores around the country, shattering glass and breaking into the toy stores in order eradicate the more subtle, but more potentially dangerous Stuffed squirrel.

Television At An All-Time High

2009-02-14T00:01:00.000-08:00

After years of mind-numbing boredom, there are shows out that people finally want to watch. Shows about people, people who love people, and people who love dogs, and cats.
News programs, which were hardest hit during the 90's "Yellow Journalism Epoch" where one couldn't tell the real from the false, are coming out of the woodwork, but with one difference. In the past they would be accustomed to sporting falsified news to garner attention for their constituents, the bigwigs in Washington, DC. Now it's a different story.
One reporter claims, "We don't even bother concealing that the news is fiction now, because people aren't interested in reality, but reality-as-such; or, in laymen's terms, fiction." Many news stations have reported on this story, but have changed the names titles, names and plots to suit the ends of market share spin doctors.

Economic Stimulus Package

2009-02-13T00:01:00.000-08:00

Many people are wondering where all the money is going with a stimulus package that seems to rely mostly on single working mothers, and their clients. "Most of us are putting the money into high yield stocks and bonds," says one mother of four, from Bloomington, IN.
Another mother interjected, "We can't seem to find any use for our money here, so we're putting it into Caymen Islands accounts until we can properly move our funds to Switzerland. That is unless we end up spending it on abortions, and cocaine. One thing we know for sure is; we're in control of our money, and not the men who 'protect' us while we dance, or have 'dates.'" Many politicians were eager to comment, but none would go on record as to this recent swing of the economy.

Men Forced to "Make Do"

2009-02-12T00:01:00.000-08:00

More and more men have joined the Merchant Marines in an attempt to forgo the needless process of getting to know their girlfriend's parents, and other siblings. "We don't really see the point," says one young man. "You have to dress up, not swear, drink, or smack them in front of others you're trying to make a good impression on. What a racket."
Another man interjected, "This way I don't have to admit my proclivities and can just go on as usual, blaming women for their inability to cure my sexual ambivalence. If those bitches can't make me the man my father tried to with a belt or forced oral, then I'm faggin' it up with the rest of these homos." NOW, the National Organization of Women was contacted about this curious change in social behavior, and simply responded, "Good!"

"French" Polishing on The Rise

2009-02-11T00:00:00.000-08:00

French polishing has been on the rise since a serious lapse in judgment by ordinary married folk.
"We don't really see any problem with going out and getting our furniture polished, as opposed to getting it done at home," claims one source. "Personal Services was established in 1987, and we don't see any reason why it should stop now."
The now nearly-famous home services firm has expanded to do in and out services, as well as personal dog training. The most famous of all the services, the Papazogaloo, is of course, the most expensive of the services. One man exclaimed after such a service. "It was well worth it."

PETAphile

2009-02-10T00:01:00.000-08:00

More and more people are siding with the needs of animals, one source cites.
"We discovered people are no longer eating the meat of cows and chickens, but are more comfortable with the more humane Southeast Asian practice of eating dogs and cats. We've found that eating one's own pets gives the consumer more power of choice, and the connection between the owner and animal creates a report, making it easier for owners to part with their pets before turning them into a delicious European fricassee."

Another source also agrees, but cautions those who own cows, chickens, sheep, or pigs as pets may find mealtime decisions more difficult to swallow.

"Assholes" On The Rise

2009-02-09T00:01:00.000-08:00

Since the inauguration of Barack Obama, more and more people are turning into incessant assholes. One man explains. "I don't feel the constant pressure of being arrested for anything anymore. In the past I felt like I had to be accountable for my actions, but now, fuck'em, fuck'em all."
A study has shown this man is correct, that modern folk are embracing the asshole syndrome; ignoring people with flat tires, pushing old women out of the way at malls, spitting on children, and screwing their best friend's husband/wife. Due in part to unemployment, that people no long feel they have anything to lose, coupled with the discovery all their friends suck and their sex partners are actually really, really bad at it, people have embraced this new way of living, reinforced by judge/lawyer ad campaigns against legal or ethical behavior. Television programming has remained unaltered.

New Diet Fad

2009-02-08T00:01:00.000-08:00

There's a new diet fad sweeping the nation. People are giving up fatty foods and oily meats, and are replacing them with plenty of exercise. A spokesman for Health and Human Resources claims more and more people are getting up off their fat asses and at least sticking it to each other.
"We thought at first it might just be because the upswing of alcoholic beverages sold, but we realize it's simply because people have stopped using condoms, and feel that sex can feel good again." HIV care providers are thrilled with the recent turn of events, and now feel safe they're not going to be downsized regardless of the home remedy that has been pigeonholed from one anonymous blog to another for the last ten years..

FBI "Dangerously" Bored

2009-02-07T00:01:00.000-08:00

Inside sources claim the FBI is "dangerously" bored. "We're not exactly sure what that means yet," says one disgruntled federal whistleblower. "What we do know is that since the fall of every country we have coveted something from, and destroyed, there isn't a whole lot left to do but round up everyone who is either on drugs, or freely downloading whatever they want from the internet, whether it's free or not.
After the fall of all the drug cartels, the CIA shipped their opium business off to Afghanistan, their cocaine business off to the bloody fields of Columbia, and their prostitution rackets to Thailand. There aren't frankly any jobs here left. No one is able to work in our free-market capitalist system anymore, and nowadays everyone is becoming more socialist due to the popularity of Chairman Mao Tse Tung t-shirts, coffee mugs and other memorabilia. We're honestly afraid of what they'll do next. I mean, what do you do when there's no one left to intimidate?"
The man then shuffled off back into his tunnel-like existance, and has not been seen since.

Art Is A Hammer

2009-02-06T00:01:00.000-08:00

It has been determined that art is indeed a hammer, say inside sources. "We discovered that years of covert operations, and clever disguises could not prevent the public from learning that art is a hammer," says one unnamed source. The ODESSA project, in conjunction with the KGB, the CIA, and the NSA strove for years to keep this information from the public, but to no avail.
One clever lad from Seattle, WA, by putting together a Nazi propaganda poster, and the word "art," broke the story last week. Businessmen from all over the world, suffering from "golden parachute" syndrome, have begun stockpiling their gold in Swiss accounts, and moving to Brazil in hopes of escaping culpability.

DNA is "Trippin'"

2009-02-05T22:50:00.000-08:00

Scientists today have discovered that DNA has been tripping on LSD for years, going out to rave clubs disguised as mere electrons, and wedding crashing as leptons. No one knows why this building block of humanity has been acting this way, but some fear it might be the end for mankind once everyone starts hallucinating due to the building block being part of their essential make-up.
One scientist recalls the discovery of the horror. "We don't even know if any of our data is accurate anymore, because we ourselves may have been tripping during the whole scientific discovery process." When asked, DNA simply responded, "I can see the music, everywhere..."

Nothing on TV

2009-02-04T00:00:00.000-08:00

This week there was simply nothing on TV. "We're tired of this," says one bored retired sexagenarian. "There are wars in other countries, coups taking place daily, people being abused, taken advantage of, third world countries falling under the iron grip of corporations--why can't we have a single fucking show that isn't a repeat, or rehash of some other ridiculous show? I might as well be on the internet, which is so 20th.
This is the 21st, you are here to service US, not the other way around."

Trademarking has Finally Been Trademarked

2009-02-03T00:00:00.000-08:00

Trademarking has finally been registered as a trademark, but only after trademarking was registered as a trademark, but before copyright had the chance to trademark a copyright giving previous authority over the copyright for the aforementioned registered trademark, and any subsequent copyrights to any trademark or registration of copyright, or trademark.
Ordinary citizens were relieved when they found the products they'd purchased were safe from devilish foreign investors willing to sell something better-made at a much cheaper price.

MADD Drives Teens to Drink

2009-02-02T00:01:00.000-08:00

A new study has shown that youngsters are more likely to drink and drive if their mother is involved in MADD, or Mothers Against Drunk Driving.
"The organization was created when enough bored housewives found their children stealing their vicodin and swilling them down with their husband's liquor before escaping in their older sibling's car and driving erratically to a lookout point to have unprotected sex with each other," says one officer of the court. "Charges have been laid out for these dangerous mothers, and we will find them and bring them to justice."
One dead teen remarked, "I didn't even drink when I was alive, but I kept being badgered so much about it I decided WTF, I'm doing it."
Seagram's has since launched a commemorative bottle of Whiskey denouncing these terrifying women, and supporting their children who only wanted to act out of total irresponsibility like other teens their age.

Tombstone Asbestos Recall

2009-02-01T00:01:00.000-08:00

Thousands of tombstones purchased by an anonymous government to aid in appeasing potential levied lawsuits on private contractors of soldiers killed during the necessary occupation of Iraq have been recalled, cite sources.
"We found the tombstones to be full of asbestos, as they were manufactured in China," a surly mouthed supplies captain claims. "They don't have the stringent environmental laws we have here, and we can't have our fallen comrades treated in such an disrespectful manner."
The tombstones were immediately recalled, and the corpses they marked were safely disposed of in a nearby garbage dump.

Helvetica At War

2009-01-31T00:18:00.000-08:00

Helvetica has finally taken a stand on war criminals, complaining they're far too violent. It's five year plan is to overtake western culture by emblazoning itself on every pamphlet, store sign, and company logo.It further has taken steps to poisoning water supplies across most of Western Europe, and introducing the Ebola virus to the Far East.
"We didn't think the avian flu was good enough," claims Helvetica. "We've had enough of this violence, and it's time go medieval on some asses."
Helvetica, according to irrelevant sources, has been stockpiling nuclear weapons and weapons of mass distruction for years now. "Once our plan has been unleashed, the won't be a single sucker left on this dead rock to even read our font anymore."

Coffee Prices Plummet

2009-01-30T00:01:00.000-08:00

Coffee prices have plummeted over the last year, claim spurious sources. South American druglords explain.
"We basically have offed anyone who is producing coffee, so there won't be coffee anymore, but there will be thankfully an upsurge of cocaine available for the public to enjoy. It used to be in Coca-Cola, and is still prescribed in even the most minor cases of depression. What we're doing is making available what the public wants; and, we've decided whatever marketers have decided the public wants, the public gets."
Reports are coming in from all over Kona, Hawaii, that coffee fields are ablaze, and countless workers have been airlifted to the safety of South American Coca plantations, where pubescent girls can finally have a chance at marrying dreamy drug-addled and scarred middle-aged Patrons.

Liberty Finally Assessed

2009-01-29T00:01:00.000-08:00

The word "Liberty" has finally been assessed, and registered to a young man in Bangalore, India.
"I thought it would be a good idea to trademark the phrase before anyone else did. Some of my friends were drunk one night, and thought, 'Hey, if people can trademark the human genome, and DNA, why can't we trademark something that has no substance, and little meaning?'"
Several thousand American companies are now paying royalties on the name. Liberty Fidelity has closed its doors, and countless other companies are following suit, in spite.
"If those racist towelhead assholes in the Middle East are going to trademark something we use daily, then fuck'em. We're going to dissolve our assets, and turn them toward war munitions. Those Indians from Iraq aren't going to get the best of us, cause these colors don't run." The man pointed to his Gucci belt, which he proceeded to remove, and then whip the reporter with.

People Mysteriously Taken In By Kink

2009-01-28T00:01:00.000-08:00

People nowadays have mysteriously been taken in by kink, a new study shows. Old information has shown people were far more into violence, due to the uncontrollable urge to go shopping, but now they seem the only thing left in their control is heavy kink.

One Midwestern housewife explains, "My husband and i used to be a part of the NRA, but nowadays we've taken to buying huge dildos, which I, in turn, use on my husband."
"There's nothing gay about it," exclaims the flushed man. "I'm still recovering from last night. But I'll tell you one thing, it's far cheaper than buying a gun, and at least we both get something out of it. When I get done smacking her around, she turns the tables, and lets me have it."

Plain Clothes Cock

2009-01-27T00:01:00.000-08:00

Cock today is seemingly more willing to represent itself, say insiders. "Well, in the old days we were seen as 'sacred' in movies; when, in fact, we were just trying to protect our 'smaller' brothers from being ridiculed in public for their size," says one average-sized penis.
"At other times in history we were vilified for being evil, serving only to be the instrument people used to procreate, and still other eras we were worshiped, being called 'baloney pony', and 'meat wand.'
Nowadays I think we've emerged from those tempestuous times and like to think of ourselves as merely an appendage of the male human body. Some bodies across the universe don't even have us. We don't care, we just want to be seen for who we are and not as an extension of somebody else's ideas about us. Let us finally speak for ourselves." Upon hearing this a 14 year old boy in Alabama pulled out his fuckrod, and stuck it in a goat.

WWF Comes Out

2009-01-26T00:01:00.000-08:00

The WWF today announced the leaking of personal information from wrestlers has reached an all-time high. People now know a "smackdown" is actually a term for one wrestler fisting another backstage after a bout of homoerotic antics peppered with homophobic slurs in the ring. "Souplex" is a term used for 69ing, and "have him on the ropes" is a phrase used when, after the match, 10-15 pro wrestlers come together and hog tie one of their drunkenly unconscious colleagues, and proceed to gang bang him while spitting into each other's mouths. The World Wildlife Fund has been reached for comment, but they refused on the grounds they sued the WWF years ago for rights to the letters WWF, as animals the world over gave a sigh of relief.

Goebbels Family To Release New Baby Food

2009-01-25T00:01:00.000-08:00

The famous Goebbels family, from Argentina, has dictated a new food be offered to the lesser races of the world as war reparations. "We thought it finally time to unveil that we are not the criminals people would have us be," says Josephina Goebbels, fuhrer of the family business. "We wanted to offer inferior races a food complimentary to their slavish ways."

The "food," which appears to be ground glass, asbestos, and attic insulation, was created by none other than Josef Mengele after his flight from Germany with the assistance of ODESSA to Buenos Aires.
The baby food is pending approval of the Food and Drug Administration here in The United States, and should hit inner-city shelves early next week after a four day rigorous testing procedure by scientists at Gerber, the well-known baby food company.

More Djorks In Iceland Than Anywhere Else.

2009-01-24T00:01:00.000-08:00

A new report has shown that there are more "Djorks", the Icelandic word for "Dork," in Iceland than in any other part of the world. "We don't know why," says one Butcher from Poughkeepsie, NY. "I knew this girl from Iceland once, she was fucking nuts. She just kept talking about aliens and computers. It was enough to put me off fucking her, but i still did it." He guffawed with laughter. "She kept trying to get me to eat out her butthole, then kiss her; and, I don't know about the rest of the crazy world out there, but you never go ass to mouth, unless you live in the Middle East. And, even there, if anyone finds out about it, you'll lose a lip or a finger depending on what you did to offend the slutty third party."
A secondary study had been mandated to determine how many uptight butchers there are in New York.

"Straights" Enduring Sodomy

2009-01-23T00:01:00.000-08:00

More and more heterosexual men are enduring the labor-intensive art of buggery, a new study shows. "We know it's the 21st century, we know 'the gays' have inundated our airwaves, educating us to their ways; and, though we do it, we're still not sure how," says one man from Boise, ID. "We're not going to watch some fag porn just to learn how, and we have to get our girlfriends drunk to do it, but by god if that's what it takes to be metrosexual and convince them we're not homophobes, we're willing to do what the cocksuckers do in order to get some sweet, sweet pussy." Greek men the world over have been airlifted in to assist these despondent men, but the men are continuing to wake up dazed and without recollection of the events the night before, and with sore rectums. The Greek men have since been found at LAX, driving cabs.

In Search Of...Something Worth Watching

2009-01-22T00:01:00.000-08:00

The television show created as an American icon in the 1070's is back, not with Leonard Nimoy as narrator, but RuPaul.
"The show needed a revamp," says one television smallwig. "People want to hear about what's important to them nowadays, not what someone think might have happened. People aren't interested in answers anymore, at least not to things that have nothing to do with them. They want to know what matters.
I mean, have you ever tried to whittle your way through numerous partners in order to find that one perfect powerbottom who can take it for an hour and a half because the viagra you took two hours ago won't let you cum? That's what this show is all about, helping people find what they really need." The show will premier after America's Funniest Home Videos this fall.

London Underground Becoming Tedious

2009-01-21T00:01:00.000-08:00

The London Underground, famous for violent drunk fat Trannys and unemployable heroin-addicted jazz musicians has now become a gathering place for window-lickers and the like who previously only rode buses. "It's just not cool anymore," says one middle-aged businessman. "We used to have fun pointing out the foibles of others, now it's just sad when every monger, pensioner, and feeb is fucking gobshiting us to kingdom come. I long for the days when you could just kick some addict out of your way and move along. Now you have to act like you really care. What a bunch of fucking tossers! I'm sorry, 'people we should be kind to."' A young pierced goth sitting next to him got up and moved to another seat, complaining about how twats have inundated the London Underground.

Karma Suture

2009-01-20T00:01:00.000-08:00

Many teens today are forgoing tattoos all together, and just cutting their love messages to each other directly into their arms, claims one tattoo artist, living in Long Beach, Ca. "I can't even pay my rent anymore since suicidal teens have decided to spread the word about 'cutting.' She's a cutter, he's a cutter, they're all fucking cutters. Well, I'm fucking sick of it, and if they don't start coming in with their parents' fake signatures for tattoos they want to get, I'M going to do some cutting of my own, and it won't be skin deep." The brave man has been through two marriages, and one boyfriend before succumbing to a crystal methamphetamine and Dilaudid addiction. He remains embittered staying up late nights masturbating to teen Thai ladyboy pornography.

White Supremacists Finally Back Obama

2009-01-19T00:01:00.000-08:00

White Supremacists have finally started backing President-Elect Obama Bin Laden, once they discovered he shares many of their same beliefs. "We found he thinks the Jew is using the black as muscle to destroy good 'white' values that we hold dear, as Americans," says one unemployed tattooed man from Birmingham, AL.
"We can't kill him either, because he does have superior genes in him. Once genetic research companies can discover a way to remove the inferior genes, he will summon in the Fouth Reich by withdrawing all monies accumulated by Freemasons during World War II from the Swiss Bankers Association and wring hellfire down upon the non-believers and uplift the Aryan race to what it was back in India."
Bin Laden's spin doctors were not available for comment.

Innocent Bistander Held On Charges of Polyamory

2009-01-18T00:01:00.000-08:00

An innocent bistander was hauled into court yesterday on charges he loved more than one person. "I find it egregious this manwhore could love not only two people, but one of them being the same sex. I'm appalled." The man was caught laughing and having a good time at TGI Friday's in Hemet, Ca., when he was apprehended.
"Yeah, we picked the faggot up at TGI, took him in the bathroom, smacked him around, fucked the little faggot up the ass, and then processed him down at the local station," says local closeted homosexual Sgt. John Riley. "I went straight, as it were, to the scene to take care of this personally, because this affects my family. I mean, what if that homo tried to have sex with my son's hot, wet, warm, football lineman's ass? This homo needs to go."
A woman standing nearby responded. "Er, it's technically bisexuality." Sgt. Riley removed his weapon from its holster, and pistol whipped the woman senseless. She remains in critical condition at Hemet City Hospital, haven been taught a lesson she shan't soon forget.

Microsoft Visual Cause of Pedophilia

2009-01-17T00:01:00.000-08:00

"The error you see before you is only the beginning,"says one former MS employee whistle blower. "This code is actually used by pedophiles as a secret signal that a child is nearby, and ready for buggering." All the pedophile has to do at this point is press the OK button on the interface, and a child will be instantly transported to the offender's basement, anywhere in the world. "We thought transporters were not even possible, but these boyhole-hungry pervs are taking science to the next level, far beyond anything we've imagined, just to suit their sick and depraved lifestyle. They were behind cloning, thinking they could clone children no one would miss, they're behind stock market crashes, knowing parents would sell their child's ass for such neccessities like a cup of rice or an ipod, and now this." Program1 has since been arrested and tried for patent infringement on cloning, and Endit has been arrested and executed for possessing the gene for pedophilia, owned by Montrose.

Shift Key Causes Doppler Effect

2009-01-16T00:01:00.000-08:00

Apparently a Southeast Asian computer manufacturing company has inadvertently manufactured a shift key that causes the Doppler Effect. When one presses the key, the sound of the key being pressed changes by the time it reaches the listener's ear. Experts say this is only one small issue. "The larger issue here," one NASA expert claims, "is that when the key is pressed, planes start falling from the sky. We're still not sure why, but we think it might be ghosts." Ghosts were not available for comment, because they do not exist.

RSS Feeds Making People Sick

2009-01-15T23:34:00.000-08:00

RSS feeds have been proven to actually make people sick, says one scientific magazine.
"We've reviewed the data on RSS feeds, and found that people who subscribe to them are actually purchasing larger and larger drinks and food items at fast food chains," says Herbert Forsythe, head of a scientific corporation who must remain nameless. "Since we broke the news, several fast food chains have launched hits against us, and two men are now dead because of it. We simply can't keep up with these terrorist tactics to dissuade people from the truth, so we're going to bury the information."
The unnamed source of the leaked information was found inside the trunk of a 74 Pinto, next to the man who illegally absconded with the data. several days later authorites were alerted to the body after the sotyr had been published.

Fat Little Fucks

2009-01-14T00:01:00.000-08:00

Fat little pig-like creatures have been running around lately causing havoc, and the public wants to know why.
"There has been an upsurge of obese midgets and dwarfs skipping around on playgrounds, schoolrooms, and in parks recently, and since we've decided to investigate, the numbers have been increasing," says one CIA agent. "With the lack of cocaine interest in this country anymore, we've had to outsource our product, which may mean dangerous weight gains for a large number of our population."
One grandmother, when asked, glanced up from her "stories" and replied cantankerously, "They're just little children who have been spoiled by poisonous food and artificial soft drinks, you ignorant fuckwits."

Hacking Not Really A Crime.

2009-01-13T23:20:00.000-08:00

According to experts, hacking is not really a crime. "What happens in cyberspace, stays on cyberspace. Because none of it is real, no one needs worry about taking responsibility for what they've done or plan to do," says one bored IT tech. "If someone wants something from our business, they just get it. I can't be bothered to police those guys anymore, and have ceased even monitoring virus attacks. If the system fails, it does. I'll do all I'm willing to do to stop that from happening, which now includes Wii Sports, which I bought for my cubicle. I have one at home, but I'm far too lazy to lug that thing to work everyday."
It turns out that with the credit crunch, others are not worried either. "Since we've moved to a credit-based system of money and governance, you don't have to worry about saving, losing, or spending money, because none of it means anything anyway. It's all based on loans," says one fourth grader from celebrity high in Paramount, CA. The Dow Jones fell four hundred points today, but that's all because the monkey pressed the wrong key on his Commodore 64.

Anne Hathaway Wins At Golden Globes

2009-01-12T00:01:00.000-08:00

Several days before the event, The Golden Globe website announced this year's winners online to help fans avoid the embarrassment of actually having to watch the show. Sporting a double breasted Golden Globe dress, Anne Hathaway was quickly whisked off the stage and given a beating the likes of which Rodney King could not have predicted.

“I didn't know the Golden Globe design was trademarked,” she whimpered. A spokesman for the third world nation of the Golden Globes commented. “She lives in a first world country, she knows how it works. Everything is owned by someone, and if that stupid bitch is going to feign ignorance of it, the bitch is getting a beat-down.”
People were just as horrified as it was announced before the show that Sean Penn did not actually get deep-dicked in the movie “Milk.” “I was hoping to see some barebacking action, like Heath Ledger did to that fag in 'Brokeback Mountain,'” a fundamentalist mother of three from Spokane, Wa., commented. Again, this year, sorrow for the Golden Globes trying to measure up to its' inferior, The Oscars.

"Scrappin's" Gone "Crappin'"

2009-01-11T00:50:00.000-08:00

People, notably bored by doing page after page of scrapbooking, have decided to form anarchistic groups of scrappers, called "Guerrilla Scrappers." These lawless heathens have taken to co-opting scrapping conventions, and spraying their undesirable themes across the pages of unsuspecting middle-aged sex-frightened women, and balding closeted married potbellied men.
These despondent Middle Americans have since formed neighboorhood watch groups, where they take their fear and anger; and, instead of attacking the aforementioned Guerilla Scrappers, take the high road, and are creating "cautionary tale" scrapbooks featuring these troglodites to teach their children lessons about judgement and action.
Jesus has presided over a number of these meetings, and can usually be found asleep in the corner until the relentless scrappin' enthusiasts reluctantly wake him up and let him go.

Flogger

2009-01-10T00:01:00.000-08:00

The House of UnAmerican Activites (NSA) announced today it has been clandestinely monitoring the blogs of hundreds of millions of Americans, claiming it answers to no one, and no longer has to abide by the laws of the United States, nor the Declaration of Independence. "We do not declare people to be free in this country anymore, and so we've burned the Declaration," says one spokesman, sucking on a large Jamba Juice Mega Mango smoothie.
One detractor stood up, and shouted, "What gives you the right to imposed your beliefs on us?" The NSA operative responded by producing a gun, and, firing it, chortled, "This."
Another man shouted to the crowd behind him, "Isn't anyone going to do something about this?!"
A woman laughed, citing, "I got my Economic Stimulus payment, and I don't even work. So, the answer is NO."
Those around her laughed, and went back to their shopping.

Scientists recalibrate the earth's atmosphere:

2009-01-09T00:01:00.000-08:00

People were in shock today as they discovered two clever scientists from a local bar who have decided to re-calibrate the earth's atmosphere, making the air breathable again.
"It was really simple," says one of the proud men. "All we did was change the electromagnetic field of the earth to reject all plastic/petroleum products. It's a cunning plan, because anyone who uses any of them within a 3 mile radius will instantly burst into flames."
The other scientist added, "The great thing about it is rich people will no longer have to interact with their drivers. Shipments will come in by driver, in his own car, then transferred to horse and buggy and taken deeper into the estate."
A spokesperson for OPEC responded as well, saying, "Don't worry about that hobgoblin, we have another panel of scientists we have paid very well to refute such hogwash." Iraq and Alaska have had mandatory evacuations, and will be slated for demolition--American troops are finally on their way home!

Xenu attacks Bahamas

2009-01-08T00:01:00.000-08:00

Xenu attacked The Bahamas this week in a fury of spite and revenge. The alien, made famous by Dianetics founder L. Ron Hubbard, was seen hovering above Nassau hurling thunderbolts down like so many cheerfully colored candy canes in a rage that killed a number of people.
No one was prevented from his imperious attacks as gay men sashed trilling from the excitement, nervously fingering their blackberries in an attempt to escape the wrath of this displeased entity. Xenu has since changed the designation our planet known previously as "the help planet" to "the hell planet." Onlookers gaped in horror as they tried desperately to change their sexual identity in order to escape utter annhilation by this most ired of all the gods. The flying saucer he piloted was manufactured in Canada, reputed to be the most aggressive of all the innocuous comely nations. A brand new episode of Desperate Houswives will follow next Sunday.

Mmmm Mmmm...Good!

2009-01-06T01:21:00.000-08:00

When a group of Veterans from WWII were asked, each and every one of them preferred the tasty scrumpiness of Japanese food. "We had that crap morning noon and night while we were there," one old miser comments. "Hell, we even bought it for the Geishas that would occupy us from time to time, and some of them were only dressed as women. Hell, we didn't care--it was WAR I tell you--WAR!"
He coughed a bit, and began rambling on about a young lad who used to wash his clothes during wartime as another barely cogent man rumbled, "We didn't have women like you whippersnappers do today! We had to make do with costumes, make-up, and the occasional goat. Goodamned kids and clapped-up Japs!"

Thank Heaven For 9-11

2009-01-05T00:01:00.001-08:00

When people were running amok and screaming wildly from ground zero, one man was there to help. Ahmed Mohoam, a man not of Middle Eastern terrorist descent, was there to offer chilled frozen beverages and slightly aged cooked hot dogs to shrilling passersby. "I wanted to help them in their hour of need," claimed Ahmed. "They all seemed so lost, and so frightened. When I'm lost or frightened I usually have some hot food with a cold drink. I only hope my franchise can take part in a canned food drive or stuffed teddy bear collection to help these poor people deal with what God has decided for them the endure." A woman ran by and plucked a moderately stale hot dog from Ahmed's hands, proving his work was God's work.

Internet Shutdown

2009-01-04T00:01:00.000-08:00

The internet was shut down today for several hours as engineers tried erratically and without success to pull the dead hamster out of the mainframe that runs the entire internet. "We know who's behind this. One of our buddies got drunk as hell, and decided to feed that little fucking rat some coke, cause he had been snorting it all night."

He continued, "When I logged on before bed I experienced internet speeds I would have never hoped of, and I have FIOS. We're talking speeds WAY beyond even fucking T5. I knew then something was terribly wrong. Luckily, one of our buddies who had a hangover rushed over to PetSmart to get another hamster. Sorry for the inconvenience."

Barney Charged with Criminal Mischief

2009-01-03T23:32:00.000-08:00

Barney was charged today with criminal mischief, as a man who was wearing one of his t-shirts was gunned down point-blank by the House of Un-American Activities. It Happened at LAX, one of the busiest airports in the world. A man was trying to board a plane to the bahamas when he was stopped by airport security, claiming the Loveable purple character on his shirt was carrying a gun. the man replied, "Yes, but don't you see? It says 'fight terrorism' on the shirt." They quickly shuffled him off to a room where he was beaten mercilessly; and, while trying to crawl away was mistakenly shot for allegedly attacking the officer adjacent to him he was trying to crawl away from. Authorities have since arrested several members of his family for grieving.

Europeans “Having It Off”

2009-01-02T00:01:00.000-08:00

Americans have had some reservations about becoming part of the European Union for one reason and one reason only—Europeans are doing it everywhere they feel like. Besides pissing in the streets, possessing questionable bathing habits, and not shaving “dirty” places Europeans have been known for doing it “doggy” in cafes, performing fellatio in train stations right in front of children, and inbreeding with relations too close to build a strong genetic line.

“We went to Europe on a trip we won on 'The Price is Right,' and we were appalled. One couple was performing coitus with their dog right on a car hood in front of a gasoline station. We called the police, and when they arrived, it took about five to six shots to the abdomen before the man would stop fucking. I can tell you this, we won't be going back there again anytime soon!”
Her husband was quick to respond, “Well, she won't be coming back, but personally I'm eager to learn about new cultures and their unique ways.” Since then stricter laws have been enacted regarding public sex in the United States, and mandatory shaving with regular inspections have been taking place in the adult film industry to make the models appearing in them look younger.

Credit Card Sales Soar

2009-01-01T17:39:00.000-08:00

People who are tired of having to pay off their credit cards have finally found a solution. “I just keep raising my credit limit and pay off the minimum every month. Once they reject raising my limit again, I'll just default on the loan and get another card at a higher interest rate. I live in a rental. What are they going to do, sue me for my 1993 Toyota Camry? Just try it fuckers.”
Many people are following this man's advice, charging anything they want, even things they don't need in order to break down a system that no longer works for them.
One woman claims, “Hell, I even got credit cards for my kids by having my son hack in the Social Security Administration and create new social security numbers so I can get more cards. They want me to charge more? Hell yeah!” Since then projections for suicides in February due to credit debt from Holiday spending have plummeted.

:-(

2008-12-31T00:32:00.000-08:00

A bitter wunderkind from Salt Lake City, UT, has finally trademarked the “:-)” symbol used so commonly as an emoticon in chat rooms for a “smiley face.” The angst-riddled young lad was tired of everything he looked at being privatized, and so registered said punctuation marks in an attempt to get his little chubby hands on a piece of the pie. Anyone who now uses said emoticon will be paying this boy a licensing fee.
He's created a universal web bot to systematically install a keylogger on any computer using the Internet: anyone using the three punctuation marks consecutively will have twenty-five cents deducted from their bank account, Paypal account, or credit card. Those who do not have any form of payment system on their computer will be disconnected from the internet. In addition, anyone using one keystroke in one software program, and one more in another, and a third in another consecutively, will also be charged. When asked how he achieved this, the boy responded, “Fuck you!” and urinated on the leg of a local reporter.

Brand Spankin' New Global Supercontinent

2008-12-30T02:36:00.000-08:00

The United States and Russia have finally completed the signatures necessary to form one giant Supercontinent. Millions of people on welfare from the United States, and tens of millions of political prisoners from Russia have joined hands today, letting the rest of the first world walk right over them to reach one anothers' far-reaching country.
"We were tired of all the bullshit the UN was trying to lay on us about fair trade agreements etc," says the U.S, one part of the Supercontinent. Russia responded as well. "They won't let us into the EU because we refuse to shut down 'Allofmp3.com.' We can't do that--it's run by the Russian Mafia, and they'd kick the shit out of us."
The UN responded by saying, "There really is no other choice but to start poisoning their leaders. I mean, when the US and Russia join landmasses, it makes you think, 'What the Fuck?'" British blue collar workers were too drunk to be reached for comment.

MPAA vs. RIAA Cage Death Battle

2008-12-29T00:01:00.000-08:00

In a horrific display of powerless abandon and fear-riddled arrogance, the MPAA today asserted it's rights over all media, despite claims by the RIAA that it was the one who “pwned” the media-slave controlled empire the House of Un-American Activities, now termed Homeland Security, had once lay claim to.
In a fit of rage the MPAA opened it's mouth and spat a yellowish acid all over the chest of the RIAA shouting “fuck you”, while the RIAA responded with an unusual pacifistic approach by using it's invisibility cloak and sending heat-targeting missiles to the aforementioned party.
In the end, however, both sides lost, as people forgot about them entirely, and went back to their daily lives as if neither had ever existed.

War Profitable

2008-12-28T02:58:00.000-08:00

According to recent scientific research, war is actually profitable. “When we began studying this most curious of ideas, we were skeptical; but now, we found out after all the horror and cowardice, that war is profitable for those who don't live in that country and don't have to suffer the effects of it,” says one homeless mother of four, living in Little Rock, Arkansas. “My babies have come to the conclusion it's not necessary to sell drugs on the street anymore, or for mommy to hook--we just need enough capitol from a bank robbery to begin funding our own war. Now, baby, where should mommy invade?” Her oldest son looked at her and began crying.

Corporate Supersluts

2008-12-27T01:05:00.000-08:00

Corporations, who are now “people” according to specialized laws designed to protect wealthy investors, have been found to be “sluttier” than their eco-friendly counterparts, organic farmers, and fair trade coffee companies. “We seem a bit confused as to why these companies have been going topless to corporate events, letting anyone with a beer fuck them in the ass, and dump loads in their mouth if that person with a dollar bill is willing to give it up,” says one anonymous person on the street. “I mean, I didn't have a buck at the time, but all my buddies did, and took turns with Halliburton's ass like it was a pre-teen hooker on the streets of Mumbai guzzling jizz for school supplies. I don't know what that means for investors, but I'll say one thing—I like it!”
Halliburton was not available for comment, but continued doped up on crystal meth to munch away on some fat guy's furry ass.

Boxing Day For Kids!

2008-12-26T00:01:00.000-08:00

After several days of poor behavior from the world's children, they have all been boxed up and sent off to the Island of Lost Toys. Some that could not fit into one box have been put in several. Miles of decommissioned nuclear wasteland has been set aside for the deposit of said children in the barren underworld known as Siberia.
Several were heard to exclaim before being boxed up that they didn't mean for Satan to run amok, and banish all parents from the earth, they just really really really wanted that special toy to show mom and dad how smart/funny/nice they were. Cerebrus was quoted as barking humorously as the children were ferried into the underworld, not with their favorite toy, but a distant memory of happier days. Christmas next year promises to be the best Christmas ever!

Christmas, End Of Days

2008-12-25T00:01:00.000-08:00

This was the last Christmas in the history of mankind. Parents, not heeding the warnings of both Santa and Satan, have continued to ignore the wishes of children, asking them to go to bed on time, and to brush their teeth. Satan, guided by Santa's careful prodding, has decided to reign hellfire down on mortal parents of human children, leaving the planet a smoldering wasteland. He shouted “Ho ho ho!” with a demonic jolly scowl, and women from all the races on the planet turned to decaying hookers, the kind like on America's Next Top Model. He then gave them strap-ons, which against their wills, were used to rip their husbands a band-spanking new hole, ass to mouth.
Their brains boiled in this hellfire and brimstone, only exacerbated by acidic semen gushing from their mouths last last week's trick at Slammer, a well-known LA gay sex club for trolls. Cowardly shrieks were met with whip and crop, as children of the world danced merrily with Christmas joy. Christmas trees set fire like kindling in the heat of the apocalypse, as grandpas and grandmas were forced to eat the excrement of their adult children, spilling vomit across flaming gifts and torching Christmas Stockings. Milk and cookies boiled and baked in the heat, rendered to ash as Satan continued his glorious reign over this most beloved of holidays. In a final shriek, he cast out the adults of this world with a single slash of his sickle to be bound to his ominous empire to burn for all eternity, merrily chortling, “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”
Santa smiled at the joy created by this wonderland, and scooped the white children of the world into his bright shiny sleigh, rocketing to Venus, where parents know how to treat their children. He winked slyly, and said, “Just wait until Easter! Merry Christmas everyone!”

Satan Befuddled on Christmas Eve, Mayhem Ensues

2008-12-24T01:33:00.000-08:00

Continuing with the horrific news yesterday about Santa giving Christmas over to Satan, children have run amok, picking their noses in public, wetting themselves at inopportune moments, like when daddy is having an impromptu chat with his boss at the gun store, and, if under 3 years old, defecating in their own underpants like common animals in a zoo.
Parents were shocked to learn their children had no manners, and, ignoring Santa's advice began scolding and grounding them wantonly and without disregard for their own safety. “If our kids are going to treat us like shit, we're going to treat them like shit,” says one father of four, “And if they don't go to church on Christmas eve, the ONE day a year we go, then fuck'em—NO presents this year for the little ingrates.”
Little Sally had something to add to her father's clear misbehavior. “If you don't straighten up dad and buy us everything we want, Satan is going to reign such a hellfire down on you, you'll be tore up mouth to fuckhole, and just wait till he has his minions go medieval on your ass.”
Satan, on the other hand, has been hearing these adorable Christmas wishes, and has had major issues in Africa. When asked point blank, African children do not actually know it's Christmas, and as far the greatest gift they'll be getting this year is life, one responded, “Fuck life, I want a Playstation 3!”

Santa's Gift Is Satan This Year

2008-12-23T00:01:00.000-08:00

It turns out Santa won't be visiting good girls and boys this year. He's boycotted Christmas on the grounds global warming is destroying his home.
“You've ALL been very bad boys and girls this year. If you won't respect my crib, then fuck you!” Global corporate superpowers have sent out economic hit men, jackals, and even Burmese death squads resurrected from the 1970's cleansings in Burma, but to no avail. “I don't even exist you fucking morons, so don't even try that shit again, or I'll convince every little boy and girl in every home across the globe to fucking cap you in the back of the head while you sleep. And I know when you're sleeping.” Santa, giving a bowlful of jelly laugh, continued, “Who the fuck are they going to listen to anyway? Some whiny bitches who don't know how to love children, are always telling them what to do, yelling at them, and making them brush their teeth, or a nice guy they give cookies and milk to? Yeah, that's right, just pimp away fuckers, just pimp away—I will fucking destroy you!”
Mrs. Claus could not be reached for comment about this issue, but whispered under her breath while showing reporters out that Satan will be taking over the job this year, providing gifts for bad little boys and girls. When asked why Satan specifically, she responded, “Because you just have to rearrange Santa's name, that's why. Now get the fuck out before I sick the dogs on you.”

Game Over

2008-12-22T00:01:00.000-08:00

Political candidates have discovered they don't actually have to be moral, or ethical, anymore. “We found it so daunting. The reason we got into politics was to be able to do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted to under the guise of helping others. Now we don't have to mince words anymore about pre-teen Thai Ladyboys, or the 'other-race' partner or fuckbuddy we're seeing on the side. We don't even have to hide our finances anymore, because the money we're getting from big business will take care of all those issues related to lawsuits and the environment.” When examined more closely by experts, it turns out more republicans are prone to paying extra-marital trannys for sex than their bleeding-heart opposers, liberals, who have found solace in heavy drinking, wife-swapping, and complaining about republicans.

Prison Colony Discovered in Cornwall

2008-12-21T00:01:00.000-08:00

Recently, a prison colony was discovered in Cornwall, England. Most of the inmates still had several of their teeth left; but their clothing has since disintegrated. “We were supposed to go to Australia, and now we don't know what we're going to do. We don't even know how we got here. I mean, we escaped the Bloody Code, the crime and all that shite, and now were all but fucked.” Sources say that because Queen Victoria is dead, there is no way to pardon these wanton ill-doers; and so, because the prison cannot be pulled down with them inside, they are fated to rot there for eternity, like Davy Jones, who rides the Seven Seas looking for victims to call his own. However, The Sun newspaper has re-printed an account of them and their lives, claiming all but one had a life of stealing wallets after rugby riots.

Religious Zealotry Tied To Religious Zealots

2008-12-20T00:01:00.000-08:00

A recent study of zealotry has been tied to religious zealots. “Once we had the data in, we knew we had our man,” expounds one scientist. “We cornered him in the alley behind a 7-11, numbers very close to 9-11, and beat him mercilessly until he admitted to being a religious zealot.”
The guilty party, Reginald Faltress, in a pool of his own filth and blood, exclaimed, “I just wanted to get a Slurpee. I've been here all day peddling, and I wasn't even going to buy liquor with the money. Now they made me drop my Slurpee, and I have no money to buy another one.” He began to weep. The scientists fled before they could respond to any more questions.

American Idol Concentration Camps

2008-12-19T00:01:00.000-08:00

Millions of ignorant and maladjusted fans were delighted when they found out losing contestants on their favorite show, American Idol, were being interred in a camp outside Skokie, Ill. A spokesman for the camp cited that these inferior singers should not be a part of civilization, and luxuries like food, toilets, and running water be permitted infrequently, and with much consternation.

“I am tired of these swineheimers thinking they can get away with pulling the wool over the eyes of the American public, people who are very discerning and particular about their artistic, and musical tastes. Look at the National Endowment For the Arts. It's enough to fuel a small country. People can do what they want, when they want with those monies, and to waste such prime advertising money on people who claim they can sing, but can't; well, we have a solution for it, a final solution.”
Home Depot is donating thousands of cubic feet of Lime, IBM is donating millions of Hollerith punch cards, Hallmark and Costco are donating 6% of every purchase you make to this very worthy cause.

Holy Water Contains Stem Cells

2008-12-18T00:01:00.000-08:00

Holy water blessed by priests has been found to actually contain stem cells. This was a shocking revelation to the church, as they had been told two millennia ago by Fr. Natas that the water he first baptized would not have stem cells, ever.

A young college student in front of the Vatican was asked about this, and she responded, “I don't have time for you right now. I have friends I'm meeting later, and I need to pickpocket some tourists for drink money. The two abortions I had are already gone. If you want stem cells, go to a lab.” The Vatican has not responded to her comments, but a local reporter filming her has since misplaced his wallet.

Laws Inapplicable To Ordinary Citizens

2008-12-17T00:01:00.000-08:00

In a strange twist of fate, the same secret laws that politicians and corporations use to make ordinary laws inapplicable to them has been leaked by a 12 year old boy, looking for preteen Asian porn and ending up on a CIA website used to track pedophiles. Once the boy was arrested for leaking such sensitive data the boy then hacked into a police station computer after distracting an officer by crying for his mommy, booked himself a flight to the Kremlin, changed medical prescriptions for his state representatives, and canceled every major credit card of all officers in the precinct where he was held, citing “deceased” as the justification to the credit companies. When finally reached for comment over Greenland, he responded via the airplane's communication equipment to an air traffic controller in the Philippines.

"Well, I didn't bother with the smaller credit cards, because they don't have enough pull to form death squads; or, for that matter, create an FBI to help run their show. The smaller credit card companies may well be a viable business in our free-market economy.”
Authorities have since given up on searching for the boy as their cell phones no longer have signal, but continue to randomly ring “The Fat Albert” theme song.

Kibbles N' Bits

2008-12-16T00:01:00.000-08:00

As we all know, plastic is a substance that is not native to our planet. Over time, perhaps hundreds of thousands of years, it eventually breaks down, animals ingest it, and it kills them. The animal decomposes, and the substance goes on to kill again. This has horrified environmentalists, who claim plastic is like Bob from Twin Peaks, asserting to “Kill and kill again.”
But futurists predict a new wave of super species capable of adapting to this new addition to their environment. Fish will be born with plastic harnesses to allow other animals who eat them to pick them up and make consumption easier. Eggs will be laid in either 6, 12, or sets of 24; lastly, what scientists are calling a “case.”
Plastic spoons will be utensils for apes, who will be dining on their inferior cousins, the homo sapien sapien, who by this time, will devolve into a gelatinous and hideous Gollum-like dessert delicious to most mammals.

Blank DVD Sales Plummet

2008-12-15T00:01:00.000-08:00

Blank DVD sales have come crashing down this holiday season due to the Big Five movie companies claiming, “We're bigger than Jesus.”
When asked about this, one Pakistani cab driver replied, “I don't know, who are the Big Five Anyway? And who gives a shit if they're bigger than Jesus? He was just a disciple like so many others, like Mohammad.”
A homeless man on the street, who began to urinate on the laconic cab driver's tire exclaimed, “DVD's came from aliens, and don't you think I don't know it!” The cab driver responded by taking a tire iron from behind his seat, chased the homeless man down a nearby alley and screamed, “I'll kill you you motherfucker for pissing on my car!”
The Big Five has yet to respond to either of their detractor's claims, but reports have been pouring in of people who have illegally downloaded movies on their computers taking their computer tower outside and in a fit of rage setting fire to it.

Logos Replace Holy Relics

2008-12-14T00:01:00.000-08:00

The Logo has replaced the religious icon, or protective magic charm, says Neocon IT consultants from Silicon Valley. “We discovered that people no longer believe in their religions, citing they are outdated, and have no software equivalent or high-end hardware assigned to them,” says one janitor working for Intel, on his lunch break. “Our Logo has replaced the need for any other medallion, or secondary relic; that is, an ordinary relic that has been touched by a holy relic.”
His boss quipped shortly, “He's partially right, but what do you expect from a GED-equivalent colleague? What's really happening here is we are redefining meaning, that old meanings attached to these outdated religions can no longer exist in a world of bar codes. If we can't scan it, it means nothing. Our new chip set will prove that, and eviscerate any Jihad that gets in our way.” Those who cannot afford these treasured icons on electronic relics have taken to purchasing secondary relics on the black market.

PTA Addendum: High School Still Boring

2008-12-13T00:00:00.000-08:00

Per PTA mandated snooping and busybody involvement, several students were asked about their experiences at high school, and it turns out it has been boring since the 1980's. “Sure, we had the Trenchcoat Mafia, but that was more like a band—with guns. I mean, it's like our dads would have done that shit if they were younger and looked like a Goth Duran Duran. What? Shut up dad—I said SHUT IT YOU FUCKER!”

Another student remarked, “But er, yeah, at least you could do drugs in school, and spike oranges with Vodka and stuff. No one even wants to do that anymore. Freshman hazing—it's all gone. I don't really have a reason to go anymore. And I'm not driving my sister to the dentist either, so you can fuck off and tell dad he's right to divorce you.”

As the graph elucidates, the lower the truancy, the higher the boredom. -10% of the students said they would return to school if they got pregnant or an STD, 43.9% claimed school was enough to make them feel worthless, and unaccepted, and a whopping 5% said they'd return to school from juvenile detention if there was a forced sex room somewhere in the school. When mentally challenged students are added to this graph, however, the entire graph falls apart and we are left wondering why we have failed our children.

Coveting “Passé and Cowardly”

2008-12-12T00:01:00.000-08:00

More and more Americans are considering that coveting the things of others is passé and completely unnecessary. “Nobody has any good stuff anymore. Besides, I'm worth more than trying to get someone else's shit,” says Amanda Silversmith, mother of five. “I've got too much laundry to do to worry about stealing crap that isn't even worth my time. Most of it's made in China anyway.”

A detractor of this new zeitgeist is General William Farnsworth. “Why the fuck are we using corporations to take over the Middle East if it isn't to get their shit? Besides that, if I see some hottie my buddy is married to, I'm sure as hell gonna try and tap that sweet ass, Rohypnol or not.” The General added, “And if some faggoty nelly has a hot ass that needs to be taught a lesson you can be damned sure me and my buddies are gonna see to it that homo knows his place by breeding his hole and letting him know we white males aren't gonna take any more of this ethnic one-world bullshit anymore.” A notable sociologist could not be reached for comment.

The Amazing Stroke

2008-12-11T00:01:00.000-08:00

Brother and sister team Nick and Starr, the winners of The Amazing Race 13, were exposed by an anonymous blogger on an undisclosed website for making love right on the final pit stop mat when they discovered they had won the race.
“Hair and semen were flying everywhere,” claims the blogger. The brother and sister Uberracers blame the Uberliberal fare at VooDoo Donuts for casting a love spell on them to commit a hate crime more egregious than having watched The Amazing Race. “It must be the unlucky race 13,” commented one of the winners.
The blogger, however drunk he was, claimed it must have happened because he was masturbating to the show as it aired thinking about the business guy with the backpack who gave directions to Nick and Starr in Portland who's face was never shown. He believes Sauron is to blame, but isn't sure because he can't remember when he last dosed with magic mushrooms.

Shootin' People Inadvertently Causes Prayer

2008-12-10T01:24:00.000-08:00

A man who regularly goes out shooting random homeless people while drunk has found the church. “I've discovered that when I get drunk and shoot people, my quality of life has been severely spiritually compromised. That's when I found the church, and and it has given me a new lease on life. I just bought a big screen TV, 1080p to be exact, so now I can watch the TMZ. I also started cutting my lawn, which I hadn't done in years. Prayer has helped me seek forgiveness for all the sins I have committed." A reporter asked him, “Has this change affected you going out and shooting at people?” He responded, “Oh no, I just don't feel so bad about it anymore.”

Olympic Fever Kills Millions Worldwide

2008-12-09T02:00:00.000-08:00

The U.N. is outraged at the number of deaths every fours years due not to hurricanes, droughts, or earthquakes, but from Olympic Fever.

“We just don't understand how people can watch hundreds of hours of television for days on end without drinking, sleeping, or even masturbating,” said a member of the Olympic committee. “We don't have to worry about people in China not being able to breathe in Beijing and suing us, as most of the lawsuits are domestic and not subject to international law. International laws we ignore, but our domestic laws we cannot fiscally be expected to fulfill. It's just getting too expensive nowadays to pay politicians and judges off.”

One young girl's mother sued on the grounds that watching the ice skating championships gave her daughter pneumonia, and she is demanding two gallons of paint and an Ikea computer desk to make her deceased daughter's cluttered hovel into a computer room.

Desperate Governance

2008-12-08T00:01:00.000-08:00

Washington legislators started off the week by jumping the shark as seen on Desperate Housewives. One politician remarked, “I was watching the show, and then thought, 'What the fuck?', How come it's five years later?”
His colleague remarked, “They're 'jumping the shark.' It was coined when Happy Days was hemorrhaging viewers so they adopted a clever scheme to have Fonzie jump the shark and save the plummeting show.” “Hey, we should do that with congress and the senate, because no one is paying attention to laws anymore, because they're boring and don't let people do anything.”

Following this brief landmark conversation, the house and senate will pass a bill to push time forward five years, just to see what will happen. People will feel uncomfortable in the future, and will go back in time before the event horizon of the decision of the two houses, and before Desperate Housewives will air to save all humanity.
They will, perhaps, be reading this news article sometime in the near future, unless a paper boy in a DeLorean drunkenly swervedrives by and lobs it at their sprinklers.

Christians Aid AIDS Gays Adopt

2008-12-07T00:01:00.000-08:00

Fundamentalist Christians are helping men who have been punished by God with the HIV virus adopt moderately adorable ethnic orphans to take care of them as they waste away--thusly providing the neglected orphans something constructive to do before they enter the penal system or fast-food industry as young adults, and to provide the withering sodomites more time to contemplate an eternity in Hell.

China Swamped with Cheap Merchandise

2008-12-06T00:01:00.000-08:00

Over the last several years the people of China have noticed every time they go to the store they turn over a product and see a “Made in America” stamp on it. “It's always the cheap stuff,” says Qui- Chang Wang. “I fear for my children that one day our country will be overrun with these poorly-made and sometimes dangerous products. They're made with little concern for the environment.” As experts probed deeper, they also discovered the country had been inundated with American flags, for which they have no logical response.

Corporate Supersperm

2008-12-05T00:01:00.000-08:00

A new type of Übersperm has been introduced into Eastern European populations to combat the victimization they're felt since losing the war. “I don't even know how I got this,” remarks one man. “I've always shuttered away the past, and tried to make a new future, but to no avail.” A Psychologist from the University of Gdansk commented on the unique new methodology. “If we give our countrymen facials on a daily basis, they'll be more likely to feel like they have a purpose and begin repopulating just by the sheer magnitude of what they will be swallowing in the process.” Veterans seem to be the most excited about this ingenious new medical breakthrough.

Belgians Discover Chocolate

2008-12-04T00:01:00.000-08:00

In a recent shocking discovery made by vacationing Californians, Belgians can no longer conceal the fact that they did indeed discover chocolate, ignoring former claims made by South American Countries that it was first discovered there. Belgians further accuse South America for passing Bat guano, or bat dung, as authentic Belgian chocolate, as it had once hornswaggled the American soft drink company Coca-Cola with the same ruse. Coca-Cola has refused to comment on the South Americans pulling the wool over their eyes, and say they only use natural, chemical additives to their soft drinks now per American Medical Association standards for promoting gut rot, and intestinal trauma requiring eventual medical care.

Liverpudlians Revive Docks

2008-12-03T00:01:00.000-08:00

Scallies from across the globe have banded together in droves to combat their city's depressed economy by reviving Liverpool's dwindling docks through slavery. “We've never tried this before, but we're willing to give it a go!” chortled Reginald Wayne-corkhill. Several young lads and work-free pensioners were on hand to give reporters a Princess Anne “peace sign.” Penny Lane, a slave-merchant who has been doing business for over two hundred years noted,”Did you spill my pint, m8?”

Asian Food Flair

2008-12-02T00:01:00.000-08:00

Asians not only have a flair for mathematics, but seem to also have a flair for cooking--brought to our country in the name of good food, served quickly. “We know Americans like out-of-the-ordinary foods, so we've flown in Asian delicacies like carrots and MSG from the Orient to your fine country. These are things math-challenged Americans know nothing about,” says Cambodian entrepreneur John Wilkinson. “Though I was born in Virginia, I've always found myself to be Asian, and living there for two weeks has really, I believe, brought me closer to the people. These simple people will be providing the food my corporation will be introducing in malls across America, so we might know the shiftiness and craftiness of another culture.”

iPAQS Strafe Iraq

2008-12-01T00:01:00.000-08:00

Stronger than a barrage of anti-terrorist missiles launched at a Halliburton toy factory, Hewlett-Packard has launched the new iPAQ like a sandstorm of western infidels across the squalid Iraqi desert. Several Bedouins were asked to preview the launch.
“Well, it's name is not unlike the iPhone, is it not?” Another commented, “I think they made this phone just like the name of our country, but without the line under the letter P in iPAQ. And what is this gibberish on the keypad? It's not even in a language or alphabet we can use.”
HP marketers laughed sheepishly, and UN forces quickly whisked the men off to be detained for suspected terrorist activity.

Cranium Southeast Asian Edition Board Game Released

2008-11-30T00:01:00.000-08:00

This isn't your everyday Cranium. It has more twists and turns than a Burmese Opium run. Though game play remains basically the same, the board has been revamped to be more suitable for its release in Southeast Asia. These are the fundamental differences:

Word Worm: Leave the old Tijuana donkey show behind. A bull's penis will test your opponent's stamina.
Data Head: Monkey brains are far more delicious when chilled. But don't eat the Pineal Gland, it's just garnish.
Creative Cat: This cat ain't going anywhere, except maybe a frying pan.
Star Performer: Remember this lady ain't no lady, but a ladyboy. Remember kids, always get tested for STD's before taking your next turn!
Sales have been slow this Christmas Season, but expect to pick up for the New Year.